Godzilla's Next Challenger

“Mom! We're on high alert here. I almost killed you! Right then! You don't even know!”
- Eddie (Vince Vaughn), “Mr. and Mrs. Smith”

There are many types of drills in this world. There are the kind that you use (with limited success) to hang framed prints and posters on the wall. There are the formal marchings of the military, those which require a specialized sergeant to carry out. High schools often have whole teams of drill, that assist in halftime show entertainment at football games. Hell, they’re even drills that could really use a banana right now. However, none of these listed drills can help you when danger is around the corner.

That’s why we have safety drills, orderly exercises that train people as to how to act under extreme situations of duress and panic. They’re pretty effective, we assume, considering we live outside the path of hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, and air raids (?). But you can never prepare too much, we sometimes believe, which is why we wish to pass on this story of careful preparation, in case you ever find yourself in a similar situation.

Ah, the old escaped ferocious animal drill.

Now I’ve been to a few zoos in my lifetime, and I’ve always wondered would happen if any of the more mobile animals were to escape their nature preserve-like habitats. Most animals (at least in Philly and DC) either have 1) water 2)a fence or 3) the simple laws of gravity to prevent them for joining the tourists on the other side. Yeah, birds can fly around but if a toucan gets out, is anyone fearing for their lives (assuming you aren’t holding a multi-colored bowl of fruity cereal?) But monkeys – yeah – now there’s a real threat to society.

Those suckers can move.

Much like the kids in Jurassic Park, monkeys know that they have to climb if they want to overcome a giant fence (electrified or not). And in case they try and pull such a stunt, the Zookeepers of the Tokyo Tama Zoo are drilling to make sure they know how to act accordingly.

Enter Guy in a Monkey Suit.

Yes, the Tokyo Zoo’s idea to see how their employees would prepare for a loose monkey was to dress up one of their own and set him loose on the sidewalks. First off, I don’t care how noble you’re feeling – if there is an upright monkey as tall as you casually walking your way, you don’t try and contain it; you run for your life.

So the monkey is freewheeling his way through the park and the Tama Zookeeper Strike Force leaps into action. Yes, that’s a mini-clown car assault vehicle, and yes, that’s a woman with a tranquilizing shotgun hanging out the window to take that monkey down.

And it appears she succeeded.

But here’s the thing about this drill: they didn’t plan for the consequences. While the fake monkey was stopped in its tracks, thus ensuring a peaceful return to his cage of origin, the image of a primate being gunned down in cold fur is now emblazoned in the memories of horrified school children.

The final act, however, was greeted by hysteria among the young crowd who, as they watched the drama unfold, were completely taken in by the animal's 'demise'. It took some time for staff to circulate and reassure the audience that the horror had all been a fantasy.

The next time my office has a fire drill, I think I’m going to convince our intern to run around the building dressed as a raging ball of flame and fire. Yeah, that’ll do the trick.