Cage Against the Machine

In my search to find a reliable site for the "Revenge of the Sith" trailer, I find myself being bombarded by ads and streaming video for the latest Jerry Bruckheimer offering, National Treasure. It's the story of a man named Benjamin Franklin Gates who uses clues found in the symbols of patriotism to recover the greatest reward the founding fathers have left our nation - a big chest of treasure. (What did you think I meant? Freedom?) I have a feeling that the fact the main character is named after Benjamin Franklin will have some factor in the movie's outcome. The fact he is named after Franklin Gates will not. Regardless, this is a Jerry Bruckheimer production, which translates into one and one only casting mandate for the role of Mr. Gates: Nicholas Cage.

This will be the fourth time Bruck has tabbed Cage to be the heroic leading man in a movie guaranteed to be chock full of unneccessary explosions, cringetastic quotable dialogue, and probably some underlying theme that makes moviegoers proud to be Americans. (See Harbor, Pearl.) We saw Cage take on The Rock, hijack the plane in Con Air, and floor it in Gone in Sixty Seconds. These are both movies that could have been disasterous. But the Bruckheimer "Fly by the seat of the budget" method works. No one is looking for Oscars here. Just a chance to make things look cool.

It's a well-guarded secret that Bruckheimer likes working with Cage because he is part of the Coppola family, a family whose name weaves in and out of the great moments in cinema history. And since Francis Ford spent the late 90s working on his latest masterful opus, he had little time to blow stuff up with Jerry. As a result, this leaves Bruck with Nick, and because of the success of The Rock, he gives him the right of first refusal on any new prject that comes down the pike. Cage picks his flicks well, as here is a listing of the other Bruckheimer pictures as of late had they been infused with Cage-eosity.

Pirates of the Caribbean (2003) - Having played a Captain recently in Captain Corelli's Mandolin, decided to decline the role of Captain Jack Sparrow. Had he taken the role, however, he would have used the same Italian accent he used in the aformentioned movie. "Oh-ah no! Why-a did you burn-ah the rum? That's a spicy meat-ah-ball!"

Blackhawk Down (2001) - Eleven years later, Cage still shudders at the sight of another helicopter movie. In 1990, Fire Birds shelved his career up until Honeymoon in Vegas. Probably a wise choice to skip it.

Remember the Titans (2000) - Nicholas Cage? As a black football coach in a segregated Alexandria, VA in the sixties? He's made bigger reaches before...(ahem...City of Angels)

Enemy of the State (1998) - Cage almost accepted Will Smith's role in this underrated techno-triller. Had he taken the role, Smith would have done Snake Eyes, and instantly killed his career. We can accept Snake Eyes from Cage, but not Smith. He's box-office gold.

Bad Boys (1995) and Bad Boys II (2003) - More Smith, not Cage. I think there's some rule that if Nicholas Cage and Martin Lawrence share more than 4 consecutive minutes of screen time, the world implodes. That's bad for the box office.

King Arthur (2004) - Yes, this was Bruckheimer. He apologizes. This was an easy pass for Cage, since the only open role was Guinivere. Ewwwwwwww.

Armageddon (1998) - I am convinced Cage is in this movie somewhere. It's vintage Bruckheimer. Throw science out the window, put the existence of humans at risk, and blow stuff up. Perfect. Now if you've watched the movie as much as I have, you know that there are two teams of four drillers that go up into space. One team has Bruce Willis, Buscemi, "Max", and Will Patton. The other team is Affleck, M.C. Duncan, Owen Wilson, and that other guy. He gets two lines in the movie, despite being sent up to save the future all of us. My theory is this role was much bigger, and had been written for Cage. But once he pulled out to do 8mm (why, Nick, why?), they got the catering guy in a space suit to fill out the roster.

Coyote Ugly (2000) - Too many jokes...

Pearl Harbor (2001) - Another Michael Bay flick, with strong patriotic undertones. Cage was slated to play Rafe McCauley (Affleck, again) but once on set, he kept doing that "Let's Go" thing from Gone in 60 Seconds and Tom Sizemore got so annoyed he gave him the ole' right cross. You can't have a leading man with a broken jaw.

Kangaroo Jack (2003) - He wanted to be the kangaroo. Umm...would have made the movie better.