Well it's official, I finally missed a weekday of blog. No worries, I snuck an extra Saturday post in back in August, which should keep the masses happy and my average of 5 a week steady. Honestly, it's not that big a deal - all of you should have been out helping the economy on Black Friday. The Y.A.B. staff misinterpreted the day, dressing all in black and laying roses on prior sources of online entertainment in memoriam. It's not that those websites are dead, they've just lost my interest. They leave me with that look in my eyes of disinterest. Think the Redskins, on offense, on 3rd and 18. You get the picture.
At least Homestar is coming back strong after weeks of sub-par e-mails. Check out "Virus." It's a winner.
Having to go back to work today, I decided I would try some different things in my morning routine, as an attempt to jumpstart what could be a long and winding week. I brushed my teeth with my right hand. I wore a different coat to work. I took a shower without the ceiling leaking from upstairs (Wait. It is leaking from upstairs. Damn.)
I also tuned out Saved by the Bell and SportsCenter for some good old local news. Given, local news for me most often means national and global news for the rest of the world, but it's worth a shot. Besides, I need to start prepping the protocol for how to find out when snow has caught DC in its icy grip (Hey, I can dream, can't I? Especially after watching some of Denver-Oakland last night) So I turn on the news, and it's the usual. Politics. Bills. Political guys named Bill. Out of control fires in Maryland. Traffic. Sports. Weath-
Wait. Out of control fires in Maryland?
Sure enough, Prince George County's bravest were out putting out two separate fires in College Park this morning. One was at some hotel. The other was at some restaurant. No Terrapins were harmed in the independent blazes. (Not that turtles could really hurry out of a burning building...) This got me thinking. What if my building was engulfed in flames? Do we have a protocol set up in case of such an incendiary emergency?
Oh. That's right. I'm the protocol.
When I was least expecting it, I was designated for my floor of the Towers as the Emergency Floor Coordinator. (Or in my abbrevispeak, Floordinator) What are the demands of the job, you ask? Well, first let me introduce you to the tools I have been entrusted with.
- Hazard orange safety vest
- Clipboard with matching pencil
- Two glowsticks (ok, maybe just one, since I used one when I was at work late at night)
- Earplugs
- All the mocking I want (thanks to the aforementioned vest)
Now the plan (assuming everyone is acting with complete rational thought in the event of an inferno) is for Condon to wait until everybody is outside and flame-free, while I wait patiently at my desk and do my best to blow the fire back into the hallway. Or maybe fan the flames with my clipboard. Once my lucky co-workers have evacuated, the floordinator is to go office2office to make sure everyone has left the floor.
"Um, yes. You need to evacuate. The building is on fire."
"No, I'm good thanks. I'm on a conference call."
(throws glowstick at ignorant fool)
"Alright, have a nice day."
Clearly, there are some kinks that need to be worked out. The main one being that by the end of the ordeal, I'm probably on fire. That's a problem. But hey, at least I've got a vest that will let people in the next county know I am on fire.
3 comments:
Correct me if I'm wrong, but there has never been a Saved by the Bell concerning the dangers of fire.
Earthquakes, yes...Screech and Harry the Hippo taught us how to deliver Mrs. Belding's baby.
Oil spills, yes...poor Becky, I guess oil DOES come with a price.
Electrical storms, yes...Screech's hair-raising wig got a lot of work between Indiana and California.
But no fire.
Maybe that's why I'm scared of fire.
The best thing to do in the event of a fire is to let it do it's thing. Why does the man always have to oppress things? Eventually the fire will lose interest in burning and go off on it's own way... until then just sit back and enjoy the warmth... from a safe distance
"It's a living thing, fire. It eats, it breathes, and it hates. You have to realize that a fire will spread from the socket, up the wall, and to the ceiling, not because of the laws of flamable liquids, but because it wants to. People spend their whole lives trying to kill fires, but to truely kill it, you have to love it a little."
or
"There's a leprechaun in the sandbox. He tells me to burn things."
I have so many useless things in my head.
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