The Old College Try

Today on Election Day, millions of Americans will decide on a bevy of issues, the most important being the race for the Office of the President of the United States. The candidates have been on the campaign trail for days stumping about the war in Iraq, healthcare, terrorism, the economy, and who can wear the most casual blue button down shirts in a 24 hour period. Abortion, stem-cell research, immigration laws, taxes, these issues have all been brought to light. But the one issue neither candidate has talked about much in 2004: education.

Of course they're both pro-education. Could you imagine one of them coming on an Anti-Education platform? It's like telling your constituency that you are Pro-Cancer or "all for puppy kicking." It's just not going to happen.

Well, count on Condon, my fellow Americans. I have your education in mind. And with that, I did some comprehensive research to find out where education is headed in this century. The future of the nation is reliant on the need for Americans to attend our universities to advance their knowledge. But where, you may ask, should the youth of America look to gain their slice of Academia? It's not Harvard. Yale? Nay. William and Mary? Ok, perhaps.

No, Kids of America, make something out of your future. Apply for admission to the Electoral College.

I've been hearing about this school that's been around since the Constitutional Convention in 1787. That makes it the 12th oldest college in the country (2 years too slow, Georgetown!) It has produced every President we've had since Jefferson (and I thought W&M was good), and it has a student body from all 50 states and DC. Most applicants come from California, Florida, and New York. Its school colors are red and blue, and official mascot is the Pundit. Student life is vibrant on campus - the college throws two big parties a year, and several smaller independent parties that have their own cult-like followings. Track and field is the College's most popular sports, when it invites all of the students to participate in the "Race to the White House." Oh, and admission applications - not accepted from Canada.

In case any of you were curious about furthering your education, here's the Offical Application for Admission to the Electoral College. Enjoy, and don't stay up too late writing those essays...

VITAL STATISTICS
1. NAME:________________
2. SSN#:________________
3. Are you an American citizen? (circle one) (Y/N)
4. For Canadians who answered "Y" to 3, are you really an American citizen? (N/N)
5. State your High School is located:_______________
6. Is this a state we should care about? (Y/N)_______________
7. VAT (Voting Aptitude Test) Score ______ (min. score of 270 req.)
8. How did you hear about us? (Please check all that apply:
[] CNN
[] Fox News
[] MSNBC
[] You're a Blog
[] Do I get a free T-shirt for filling out this application?

SUPPLEMENTAL INFORMATION
9. What is your prospective area of concentration?
[] Political Science
[] Government
[] Public Policy
[] Forensics / Debate
[] Strategery
[] Purple Coronary Studies
[] Stuff That's Oval

10. Complete the following rhyme: "1 State, 2 State, ___ State, ___ State"

11. We will be contacting your high school guidance counselor for your academic transcript. Is your high school guidance counselor competent? (Y/N)

12. Is anyone in your immediate family named Chad? (Y/N)
13. Is he/she pregnant? (Y/N)

ESSAY QUESTIONS
Please answer these as honestly and efficiently as possible. Our admissions committee would like to go to bed tonight at a reasonable hour.)

1. Describe a character in fiction, an historical figure, or a creative work that has had influence on you and explain that influence.

2. In your other applications, did you feel that Question #1 was a waste of time?

3. Define swing state. Do you live in one? Compare and contrast the two campaigns' travel schedules in terms of jet fuel efficiency and sleep scheduling?

4. Go ahead, stump for something. Anything. Umm, stump for Twinkies. Yeah, that's it, tell us why Twinkies should be the official ageless snack cake of the United States of America.

5. Would you like to live in a single-party or bi-partisan dorm?

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That's all, folks. Happy Election Day.