That Politicking Clock

You may have noticed that I'm a little late entering the blogosphere today. Like 12 hours late. While you may be able to normally count on me for a pre-lunch posting, today, it seems, that I am as reliable as the "Redskins Incumbent Fate Factor." Which brings me to the real reason for my tardiness...

Let's just say earlier today, my brain did not have all of its precincts reporting.

I stayed up last night into the early hours while the nice black box named Sony wove tales of "projections" and "prognosticating" and "party animals." Bruce Springsteen was warming up in Boston, the Bush daughters were entertaining the crowd at the Reagan Building, and somewhere in the District Ralph Nader was yelling, "Echo! Echo!" in an empty room. Yet the champagne was far from flowing as the clock struck one, as the powers that be (read: TV!) had yet to project a winner for the 2004 Presidential Election.

Now for some reason, I had become glued to the television screen for most of the evening. It was kind of like watching football on Sundays when you've got a fantasy team to worry about. There's production you come to expect from some of your players, but until they show you the votes, you simply curse their existence. It is with this premise that I feel Iowa is the Santana Moss of the Electoral College.

Don't get me wrong, I multi-tasked. Always quick with the keyboard, I hopped from news website to news website to see which outlet had the guts to call a state a whole 2.4 seconds before its rivals. Plus it kept me updated on the races NBC had no interest in. Sorry, rasta, NJ Weedman won't be taking down Jim Saxton this year. Cnn.com. MSNBC. Foxnews.com. Alt-tabbing my way into the night. And then it hit me. All of these websites - they got themselves TV stations! So at 1 am, the tides changed. I stopped cyber surfing and started channel surfing. Here's my take at what I saw.

1:01 AM: (on NBC) NBC continues to go strong into the night, with Brokaw giving his final election everything but the kitchen sink. His metaphors for democracy are starting to enter the "Reach" category, philosophizing the similarities between the race and the ginat map on the Rockefeller Ice Rink. For more information on the exit polls in Minnesota, Brokaw throws the coverage to Kristi Yamaguchi and Elvis Stojko at the Decision Desk.

1:03 AM: (over to Fox) The hot topic over at Fox - Polls in Alaska are closing any minute!!! That's 3 electoral votes that FoxNews will soon project for Bush! While the woman with the broken-looking jaw explains how you vote in igloos, Shepherd Smith searches the studio for Morpheus.

1:06 AM (onto CBS) These guys have been a little slow all night long. Dan Rather announces CBS News projects than Senator Kerry has won his home state of Massachusetts. (Polls only closed there 6 hours ago...)

1:07 AM (ABC) - Hmm...commercial. Well, at least it's good to see that the NetZero guy won his race. I was worried for awhile...

1:08 AM (NBC) - Back to where I've spent most my night. After giving Michigan to Kerry, Tim Russert and Brokaw have resorted to treating Russert's electronic chalkboard as an Etch-a-Sketch. Wow, that's a great bunny rabbit, Tom!

1:12 AM (Fox) - Agent Smith has just reported that the Democratic Party has Neo cornered in a subway station in Illinois. He then sends the coverage to the field, where he morphs into Barack Obama.

1:14 AM (NBC) - Brokaw updates on the Senate race in South Dakota. Tom Daschle looks like he's on his way on, Jim Thune will be taking his seat, and Brokaw is daydreaming. The new Mt. Rushmore - Washington, Jefferson, Brokaw, Roker.

1:18 AM (CBS) - Dan Rather reports that CBS News now projects that Bill Clinton will win the state of Arkansas over challenger Bob Dole.

1:20 AM (ABC) - At commercial. Some people like Bush. Some people like Kerry. Everybody loves Raymond.

1:24 AM (CNN) - Do you think if the ratings surpass those of FoxNews, Ted Turner will just let Chris Matthews liquidate Paul Begala? Apparently, you can be a tool and get to talk about the election on national TV.

1:27 AM (MTV) - John Norris is talking about voter turnout. See above.

1:31 AM (NBC) - Tom Brokaw is getting a little tired. I think he just said that "Barack Obama" knows kung fu.

1:32 AM (Fox) - Agent Smith has pinned Keanu Reeves to the wall with a roundhouse kick, and states, "Never send a human to do a voting machine's job."

1:35 AM (TBS) - Oops, wrong channel. Oh look! Kate and Leopold! Again! Sigh.

1:38 AM (CBS) - Dan Rather now reports that CBS News has projected Jefferson Davis will take North Carolina's electoral votes from Abraham Lincoln.

1:41 AM (Fox) - Fox is the first channel to put Ohio in the Bush column. Agent Smith quips, "No, Senator, your hopes are already dead."

1:43 AM (NBC) - NBC becomes the only other state to put Ohio in the Bush column. Russert is alone at the desk, as Brokaw is down working on his Triple Salchow-Double Toeloop combinations around El Mapa Gigante.

1:46 AM (ABC) - No, not election coverage here, but you can catch "Two and a Half Men" on Mondays at 9pm every week. Phew, that was almost too close to call.

1:50 AM (NBC) - Tom Brokaw has returned to the desk, this time with a slew of flower bouquets and cheap stuffed animals. While he waits for his scores in "Artistic Impression", Lester Holt explains that Kerry just didn't get out the young vote like he needed to.

1:52 AM (MTV) - John Norris - slumped over in his chair, not breathing. P. Diddy - a man of his word.

1:54 AM (CBS) - CBS News is now projecting that the Whig Party will carry the New England states yet again.

1:58 AM (Fox) - Fox projects George W. Bush as the winner of the Presidential Race. Trinity has ousted Laura as the First Lady. Shepherd Smith unplugs himself from the Matrix.

2:00 AM (Cartoon Network) - Ooh, Family Guy!