Land of the Free, Home of the Run

Monday, it became quasi-official. Never mind that neither the City Council or DC residents have officially approved the new stadium deal (please do, RFK is awful!), Major League Baseball has announced the new name of the Montreal Expos.

The Senators? Nope.
The Monuments? Nay.
The DC Metros? No, fool, The Mets already have laid claim to the abbreviation rights of the word “Metropolitans.”
The Washington Nationals? Yahtzee!

I’m fine with the Nationals, and it will be good to have a hometown team that doesn’t lose to the Cowboys on Monday Night Football. I’m still Philly-pride allied, but since the Expos call the N.L. East home, I’ll see the Fightins’ 9 times here in our Nation’s Capital. And I wouldn’t mind having a second team to root for. In football, there’s the Colts. In hockey, any of the Monroe Project expansion teams. In basketball, anyone who’s not in prison. In baseball? The Nationals.The only problem with this plan of grandeur is that everyone seems to be glossing over one fact: they’re still the freakin’ Expos, people. This is the team from the city who have more people attending locked-out Canadiens games than seeing Jose Vidro and co. That’s another thing – Jose Vidro is their best player. And you have never heard of him.

Jim Bowden is serving as the interim general manager. Interim is a kind way of saying, “If this all goes to hell, don’t blame me, I’m just a temp.” Sooner or later, Bowden will step aside, and let Chris Condon take over the franchise. Then, and only then, will the Nationals fulfill their destiny and establish the identity that only Y.A.B. can provide. I’m waiving the entire team, and replacing them with…

…former Presidents of the United States.

These guys were born leaders. They’ve taken us through international conflict, economic downturns, state secessions, the “Miami Vice look is radical!” era, and even the occasional assassination attempt. If they were, ya know, all still living and in halfway-decent shape, this would be what the Washington area can expect on opening day 2005.

Starting Lineup

1. Rutherford B. Hayes – Right Field - early ancestor of Willie Mays Hayes.
2. James Buchanan – Centerfield – He has a Buchanan of an arm. Perfect for throwing out baserunners at home plate.
3. James Monroe – Second Base – Little known fact – Second base, along with the rest of the American Continent, was declared not to be colonized (or stolen) in the Monroe Doctrine.
4. Theodore Roosevelt – First Base – Batting cleanup, he’ll speak softly and swing a big stick.
5. Andrew Jackson – Left Field – The first democrat in the oval office, Old Hickory belongs in left field.
6. James Garfield – Third Base – reflexes like a cat, that one.
7. William Howard Taft – Catcher – Backstop personified.
8. Martin Van Buren – Shortstop – Before Ozzie Smith made headlines as the Wizard of Oz, the Little Magician was taking one-hoppers and turning them into double plays.
9. Lyndon B. Johnson – DH - As Kennedy’s VP, he was also designated to the Oval Office.

Pitching Staff

• Abraham Lincoln – Bigger than the Big Unit.
• John F. Kennedy – Roger Clemens may be the Rocket, but Kennedy was the whole space program.
• Herbert Hoover – What. A. Screwball.
• Ronald Reagan – Took down Communism. Why not Barry Bonds?
• Millard Fillmore – Why do I have the feeling he’d be some sort of submarine knuckleballer?

Bullpen

• William Henry Harrison – (very) short middle relief
• Richard Nixon – set-up man
• Dwight Eisenhower – closer – Oakland had Dennis Eckersley, a.k.a. “The Eck.” The Nationals have “The Ike.”