Meet the Crockers

My cooking abilities are legendary in some circles (read: my own mind.) I have come up with scores of innovative dishes, each with its own flavor and chock full of umm…condocity. Over the years, inspiration has hit me in the kitchen. Some call it a gift. Most call it a cry for help. Take some of my past creations:

• Condonents – Yes, the famous collegiate snack food for anyone with a loaf of bread and a fridge with little food. Just add any condiment you find in the refrigerator door to a slice of white bread. Fold. Chew. Repeat. (Okay, maybe not any condiment. We do not support Horseradish Bread.
  
• Big Bowl of Pudding – Harder than it sounds. Make some pudding. Put in a big bowl. Don’t drop it on the ground. Repeat.
  
• Pheasants with Vermicelli and Ground Bacon – yep, typed in “fancy recipes” on the internet and this is what I got. Would you believe I can make this at will?

Yeah, me neither. (And the pheasants rejoiced.)

Aside from one disastrous Black Forest Cake for Pretztoberfest 2002, I had never tried my hand at the dessert world. I’m a cake baking faker. Maybe that’s why this recent attempt was that much more interesting.

Mr. Jonathan Rogers, a good friend from William and Mary, will be welcoming Miss Shay Mocnik to his neighborhood not too far from now. There’s some wedding traditions that must be observed here. And thanks to a certain Honduran National we like to call Jasen, the bachelor party was one of them. And since said Honduran is living with Mr. Rogers in his neighborhood, another venue needed to be chosen for several of Jon’s friends to get together and celebrate in the name of matrimony. Enter Random Run Lane.

Jasen was very set on surprise good Sir Jon with a party he’d never forget. We’d go to the adult Chuckie Cheese’s – Dave and Busters – for dinner and drinks, and we’d probably mock Jon for several hours. But before we could raise a glass, Jasen had something else in mind.

Betty Crocker, eat your heart out.

Spud’s and my mission, since we chose to accept it, was to construct a birthday cake that the “entertainment” was to, well, pop out of. Now you must know that this was Jasen going against the Legion of Groom’s wishes – nothing scandalous. Now of course Jasen is going to comply with Rogers’ request, but not without having a little fun of our own.

5 hours of work, 5 seconds of hilarity.

So Spud and I baked a giant cake. After buying 64 square feet of bright pink construction-grade foam board, we headed to my car to transport the material home. Here’s the first problem – They come in four 8 feet by 2 feet strips, and I don’t drive a school bus. So, yeah, we were the guys with the glowing pink rectangles sticking out the sun roof that you may have seen. (It kind of looked like my car was a giant Bubble Tape dispenser.) We also failed to observe the laws of aerodynamics. With the board slanted forward (the in-car portion was in the back seat, not the front), it provided us with just enough lift to take off and sail across the DC Metro area, if by chance my car hit 16 miles per hour. Good times.

After icing the cake with some vanilla white latex paint, we then cut up all the boards in order to construct it. Four tiers with half-foot steps later, we were staring at a 4.5 foot tall, 16 square foot base white foamilla cake with a hiding place that even my shoulders could fit inside. We then cleaned up, welcomed the other guests, helped the “entertainment” into the cake of Good Hope, and waited for the guest of honor to arrive (who by the way, thought we were hanging out tonight since “Sara” was in town..

Jon: “Do you mind if I partake of one of your Yuenglings?”
Spud: “Yeah, no problem. Here they are, right on the table behind me.”
Jon: That’s okay, I’ll go through the kitchen.
Chris: “No, wait – they’re right on the tab-“
(Jon sees the cake in the dining room, complete with pink and blue decorative icing.)
Jon: (a little frightened) “What the?
(Chris frantically throws on the music. Just before Jon can ask what the heck is going on here…)
Mattias Caro (leaping out of aforementioned cake): Surprise!

And that, my friends, is how to fake a cake.