Elevettiquette

I think I've covered is these last fifteen weeks of blog just about everything that composes my morning routine. From morning commute to breakfast selection, I think I've written all there is to write about beating the heck out of my alarm clock up until the "You've got 53 unread messages, get crackin' punk" greeting my nameless work computer welcomes me with. This said, I fully can count on you to be able to fill in for me seamlessly should I decide to "join witness protection" or "take a trip to the Caribbean" or "oversleep terribly."

Being Condon can't be that hard in the morning. I don't say much, and when I do, it's not like I'm putting a ton of thought into it? Example:

Coworker: "The crazy think about what they put out for breakfast is that no matter what people buy everyday, they are still going to make the same items despite their lack of popularity. I mean, honestly, who buys a cruller? It's sitting next to a cheese danish on the tray, it is my contention that its chance of consumption is slim to none. Chris, what do you think?"
Me: "Bagel. Now."

But in order to fully pull off the Condon-switch, you're going to need to know what I think about for the minutes and fifteen seconds between my car and my desk. And that topic: elevators.

Before this turns ugly, let me credit the technology behind the noble elevator. Now in the part of the building where I work, we have an elevator lobby of six shafts, with each elevator going from the B3 level of the parking garage, all the way up to the 9th floor. Six elevators, all with the ability of vertical transport. My question: How in the world does one elevator open on a floor instead of the other five? There's got to be some internal computer that barks out orders, so that the entire six pack doesn't rush to the B3 level to take me to work, but rather the one that is the most convenient. It's a well-oiled machine, and I have no idea how it works. There's nothing more beautiful, impressive, and complex in this world than the schematics of the elevator management system.

God to Chris: "Oh, come on! Have you never even considered your own circulatory system?

But all is not well in the Elevatoria. I've got some issues with how people use the elevators in my building. Here's some tips that will get you far in life (assuming life moves up and down, and you hear a metallic bell sound everytime you reach a milestone)

1. When someone is getting in the elevator after you, do your best to hold the door open. Do NOT press the button for your desired floor, as the door will interpret that to mean "hit the tall kid crossing into the elevator, and make him drop his Gatorade.
2. If you are on the 1st floor, do NOT take the elevator to the second floor. Take the stairs. You'll get to your destination just as fast, and you won't be subject to the collective Scowl of Doom that awaits you in the elevator.
3. Cell phones - bad idea. You are going to lose reception sooner or later, so just don't make that call. Unless, everyone in the elevator is allowed to contribute to any decision made over the phone in said conversation. For dinner, you guys are going to have Special K with Bananas.
4. Do not bring freshly-cooked food into an elevator, unless you want me to follow you to your office and yoink that piece of cheesecake when you reach into your drawer for napkins.
5. There's a window of when you can yell for someone to hold that elevator. I'm going with 5 yards from entry. Any farther, you better be willing to go back downstairs and buy cheesecake for all parties affected by your inconsiderate gesture.

Oh, man. Now I want some cheesecake.