Dear YABby,

The source material was lifted without permission from Dear Abby’s website. Take that, Universal Press Syndicate.

DEAR ABBY: I am 10. I was born in 1994. My problem is I really, really wish I had lived in the '80s. I know this sounds stupid, but the style was awesome -- not skanky…The '80s seem awesome! I mean, they had good songs like "She Blinded Me With Science." The '80s seem so cool -- at least people are always saying so. Help, Abby, please. I'm sitting here listening to '80s music now. -- BORN IN THE WRONG ERA

DEAR IN THE WRONG ERA: I can't "fix" your problem, but it may comfort you to know that many people feel the way you do about various eras -- and that includes the roaring '20s, the romantic '30s, the fashionable '40s, the revolutionary '60s, the experimental '70s, as well as the "awesome" '80s. When you're older, you'll be able to satisfy your "itch" to live in the '80s by collecting music, clothing and accessories from that decade. It's not exactly a trip back in time, but it will capture the nostalgia. -- ABBY

Time for Condon to step into this advice-giving business…

DEAR BORN IN THE WRONG ERA: I heard about your problem by reading Abby’s mail. She doesn’t mind. Look kid, by my calculations tell me you’re eleven. That puts you in eh, fifth grade. At this point in your young life, I fully endorse listening to music, and it’s admirable you’ve steered clear of lyrical trainwrecks like Gwen Stefani, Shakira, 50 Cent, and LFO. YAB is totally endorsing your eighties niche, but we’d like to pass on some helpful information on the decade. After all, I lived it.

First off, I see you like Thomas Dolby. Yeah he had a great…song. However, you shouldn’t go pressing the genre to your friends on the lunchtime playground on the strength of “She Blinded Me with Science.” Stick with hit machines like The Cars and The Police. Even though Frankie Goes to Hollywood doesn’t mean you should, too. Men, whether they are “at Work” or Without Hats” are also cool to hang with. A-Ha! (Another ideal choice.)

In your musical travels, you will also find a dark period of music called “Hair Metal.” Just because these bands look like they had as much experience with makeup and hair teasing as your 5th grade friends do does not mean you should start buying their LPs. Other than Bon Jovi and a few other acts from Jersey, stay away. We hope this will help far more than “Generic Response” Abby did. -- YAB

-----------------------------------------------

DEAR ABBY: Wow, great job with BORN today. Way to give her nothing to work with. I see that you demonstrated the feel that many decades of the past once held, and that was a good idea. The 20’s were roaring, no doubt. I suppose the 30’s were romantic, if being broke and unemployed has that charm for ya. The 40’s were fashionable, ok, I’ll give you that. The 60’s and 70’s, you nailed them in a word. And you made the girl feel good about the 80’s. But I have one question for you.

What happened to the 50’s?How could you just skip over a decade, like it didn’t exist? Wait until the poor kid gets to US History in high school and when it’s time to talk about post WWII capitalism, the Communist hearings, the labor union merge, polio vaccine, and Korean War, she’s going to look like an idiot! The least you could have done was assigned a random adjective. Like “Zesty.” -- YAB

-----------------------------------------------

DEAR THOMAS DOLBY: If she really did blind you with science, how the heck do you maintain and see your extremely weird personal website? That probably means you don't read the blog, either. Oh well. -- YAB