Crazy Bald Dancing Guys Need Not Apply

It’s amazing what YAB will do for free food.

After knocking two blogs off the to-write list yesterday, a skeptical friend was so confident I couldn’t write three he bet me a free lunch. And since he had proposed an attractive wager, I even let him pick the topic. Well, you know what?

He was right.

But even with that delicious filet mignon-stuffed lobster meal in my rearview (hey, I wasn’t paying), I can’t pass up a good blog idea. Besides, I want to show the readers what is possible when you ask me to bring the funny on something you come up with. His request:

If you were building a new theme park, who would you build it around and what rides would it have? And Please justify your decision:
a) Any characters from the MARVEL comic universe
b) Any characters from a Kevin Smith movie
c) Any character from any movie that F. Murray Abraham has ever been in

You know, even if this hadn’t been posed to me, I probably would have hit it sooner or later. An amusement park is wonderful outlet to entertain the children of the world, while at the same time making money by the truckloads. All you need is a venture capitalist who likes to ride on roller coasters, and POOF! – you’ve got an amusement park.

Ok, time to “justify my decision.” I can’t choose Marvel as my theme because it’s unoriginal. The Six Flags chain has staked the claim in superhero amusements by signing a deal with DC Comics. I’m pretty sure they’ve devoted about 7 rides to the Batman franchise alone. If I were to strike a deal with Marvel, I’d have to pay them with money I don’t have, plus Stan Lee would insist on making cameos in all of the park’s stage shows. Not on my watch, Stan. Not on my watch.

I can’t choose the ViewAskewniverse of Kevin Smith for one simple reason. High-speed motorized rides should never have to involve a QuickStop. Enough said.

That leaves me with C. And what better way to celebrate the incredible acting career of thespian F. Murray Abraham than erect an amusement park that he didn’t ask for. Plus, I don’t have to sign away my first three years revenue in a lucrative corporate sponsorship deal. I just have to ask F. Murray Abraham nicely. What a gent, he is.

First things first. The park shall be named Murraysville. And it shall be located in Murrysville, PA. Elizabeth Grimm, a local in M-Ville will serve as proprietor and chief of operations. I haven’t asked her yet, but how often do you get to pay tribute to a god of the silver screen like F. Murray Abraham? Furthermore, Murrysville is a suburb of Pittsburgh, where Abraham was BORN. Freaky.

Now Murraysville will have many of the standard amusement park features that make places like Six Flags, Disneyworld, and yes, Sesame Place so successful. Concessions, merchandising, season passes – all of this will be standard operating procedure. But one cannot forget the lynchpin to the whole park: meandering characters with giant heads. What Mickey, Bugs, and Cookie Monster have done for our rivals, employees in F. Murray Abraham costumes will do for Murraysville. A couple of prototypes: FMA’s rich antique collector Cyrus Kriticos from Thir13en Ghosts, as well as the renegade Star Trek leader Ru’afo, who will promise to be nice to the children than he was to the Ba’ku race.

Did I mention we’ll have attractions? Here’s a sampling…

“88 Keys” – Take a ride with tormented Amadeus rival Antonio Salieri on a roller coaster sure to crescendo to the a melodic peak rivaling the Allegheny Mountains, only to come racing down through our frightening flames of woe.

“Shoot ‘em Up Suarez-Style” – Hey kids, ever want to be in a drug cartel crossfire? Take the trigger of Scarface’s right-hand man Omar Suarez in a battle for all the cocaine in Miami! Get a perfect score in this shooting gallery, you win a oversized stuffed elephant!

“Last Action Mirror” – Assume the role of FMA in this Ah-nold flick by not only betraying Jack Slater, but even your own sense of surroundings as you scramble to get out of this house of mirrors before Slater realizes what you’ve done.

“Finding Funhouse” – Based on the sleeper hit Finding Forrester, become condescending Professor Crawford, as you do battle with a virtual-reality Sean Connery in a battle of wits, prose, and giant foam jousting sticks.

Ok, so who wants a ticket?