Digital Personal Statement

Hey there. My name is Thumbkin. Pleased to meet you.

I’m Condon’s thumb. You don’t hear from me much on the blog. Typically when the bossman puts my brethren and me to work, the only key I’m responsible for is the space bar. Very little of what he has to say can be conveyed by the absence of letters. I guess that makes me a role player. Behind the scenes, contributing to the funny, but not bringing it. But that’s not today. While the other four drum incessantly on the desk during class, I’ve snuck onto the keyboard to type to you all a personal statement. And I’m going to use all the keys. Even caps lock, JUST BECAUSE I CAN.

Sorry about that.

As I inferred above, I’m far from an only child. While I may be the first of five fingers, I’ve got three brothers that are bigger than me, and they don’t let me forget it. To be completely honest, I’ve always been a bit of a loner. Every family picture has me standing far away from the others, off to the side. Heck most of those portraits have me lying on my side while the other four stand shoulder-to-shoulder like soldiers. It’s not that I don’t like my brothers; they’ve just got a different function than I do.

As far back as I can remember, they’ve all known what they want to do when they grow up. The brother closest to me is Pointer, and I bet you can guess what he does for a living. Bossman relies on him to instruct, to gesture, and to press. He’s kind of a one-trick pony. Regardless, it’s a good trick. Anytime extension is needed, he’s the one who gets the call.

Tallman is a bit of a jerk. He makes very few friends, especially when the rest of us are curled up sleeping. Then you’ve got Ringman. For 25 years, I’ve barely seen that guy lift a – well – himself. But come August 13, or so he claims, he’s going to become a lot more important. Pinky hasn’t figured out what he wants do just yet, but that freeloader seems to be content living in Ringman’s shadow.
Where does that leave me?

For months, I’ve thought I was destined to live as a finger without a cause. I’ve tried my best to pursue career paths that generations of thumbs have before, but none of them seem to be a tight fit. Many city-dwelling thumbs find work as “Public Transportation Hailers,” but I think Chris has been in a taxi maybe five times in his whole life.
I often take the lead as the hand’s “Cell Phone Dialer,” but I feel there’s not much future there either. I keep catching glimpses of the cell phone world becoming “hands-free,” and that would surely mean layoffs for hard-working thumbs everywhere. I’ll steer clear, thanks.

I hear there’s a market for thumbs who like to watch movies, as critics. Of course, the creativity level of that job is extremely limited. It’s either up or down, and that’s what America likes. I would have no idea on how to tell the public different feelings like “good with reservations” or “not a good movie, but very entertaining.” This would drive me insane.

As you can see, I’ve done my research and scoured the want ads. There’s just nothing conventional out there for a hard-working thumb. That’s why I want you to take me completely serious when I let you know what I’ve decided to do. My career selection is something in which I can excel, earn a solid paycheck, and once and for all distinguish myself from my brothers. Ok? Well, here goes nothing…

I am going to become a professional wrestler.

Stop laughing.

I’m serious. Turns out that there’s whole league of thumbs out there in the world that grapple with one another in competition. It’s a sport of dexterity and speed, agility and strength. I’ve got all of these skills, thanks to a childhood of Nintendo and Playstation. And unlike other prominent wrestling outfits of the 21st centuries, it’s not rigged. It’s a sport full of storied tradition, complete with a ceremonial song. I haven’t learned it yet, but I know there’s counting involved.

Well, this has been fun, but I have to go. If anyone asks, “Where is Thumbkin?” I’ll be at the gym.