Behind Closed Doors

The YABNews Desk, which performs its duties as consistently as A-Rod in October, has been caught sleeping on the job. The last time they submitted any shred of journalism to the editor was all the way back in August, and that was to report on sports, which they would probably do even if we didn’t pay them. (Wait. We don’t pay them. Oh, I guess that beggers can’t be… adage is true then.)

Pressed with a deadline, they searched the wires and came up with the front page of Cnn.com. Granted, this is the equivalent of asking the weatherman the forecast only to have him look at the sun, but we’ll take it. Dateline – Capitol Hill. In the Senate Tuesday, the Democrats invoked Senate Rule 21, a measure whereby everybody must vacate the legislative floor except senators. The doors are promptly closed, and the lawmaking body of the American Government operates in secrecy until they agree to open the doors and re-join the real world. Most news outlets are calling this a determined effort by the Dems to get the Republicans to follow up on promised reports regarding Iraq. YABNews thinks otherwise. As 100 senators said good-bye behind the closing door of democracy, we hypothesized a different motive:

SLUMBER PARTY!!!!

That’s right. As per the Constitution of the United States, our elected officials have invoked Rule 21 in order to hang out with friends, stay up late, and eat junk food together in the name of Freedom. What? Don’t believe me? Well, how about we prove it to you by reprinting our founding document of Liberty here on YAB without any revision, and you can be the judge as to what this closed door session is about (And law students, I’ll thank you not to fact check.)

Article I, Section 3: The Senate

The Senate of the United States shall be comprised of two Senators from each state, chosen by the legislature thereof for six years, and each Senator shall have one vote. This includes the representatives of the state of Delaware, who the Founding Fathers don’t so much see as a state as much as a haven for tax-free shopping.

No person shall be a Senator who shall not have attained to the age of thirty years, and been nine years a citizen of the United States and who shall not, when elected, be an inhabitant of that state for which he shall be chosen. Look, we’re not trying to exclude, but as a civil body, we would like to see that our lawmakers be of an age where they can act with full dignity and with a killer discount on car insurance (assuming something called a “car” is someday invented, and the net worth of such an innovation warrants a need for insurance.)

Duties of the United States Senate include, but are not limited to: borrowing money on the credit of the United States, to regulate commerce with foreign nations and Canada, to establish post offices and post roads, to declare war, declare peace, and declare slumber party.

As for the final duty, the slumber party, the following explanation shall be included in this charter document, since Samuel Adams insists on life, liberty, and verbosity.

Any member of the Senate can invoke Rule 21, a call to slumber. Upon this declaration, all people who have a secret Senate decoder ring shall remain in the chambers and all who do not must vacate. The Senate shall then spend the evening behind closed doors and participate in traditional governmental activities:

Junk food consumption – the follow state delegates should be in charge of the following – Pennsylvania must bring chocolate, Kansas must provide popcorn, Washington shall submit candied apples, Wisconsin and Missouri shall bring beverages.

Sleeping bags – For whenever the Senate is in recess, the 20 minutes of the slumber party that are spent asleep shall happen under the public sleeping bag reserve. Democrats are allocated the blue ones, Republicans the red. Independent senators from the state of Vermont get their underwear put in the freezer when they fall asleep.The delegates from California are responsible for bringing videos in order to prevent lawmakers from getting too much sleep. Mr. Smith Goes to Washington is a chamber favorite.

If policy must be enacted, debates and concessions must be brokered using high-stakes rounds of Truth or Dare. Please, if a large Kennedy from Massachusetts is ever elected, do not allow him to play. He’ll never tell the truth about Chappaquiddick and do not dare him to swing from the chandelier. He might squish the junior Senator from Rhode Island.

Also, somebody poke Senator Byrd from West Virginia. You know, to make sure he’s just sleeping and not dead.