Holy Trade Secrets

This Week in Grad School…

On Tuesday, we had a guest speaker in my Int’l Science and Technology class. He was a patent lawyer, and a general all-around expert on intellectual property – trademarks, copyrights, trade secrets, etc. For all those lawyers who read the YAB, switch immediately to IPR law. It’s way cooler than whatever you’re looking to practice in (with the mere exception of Coles Law – that’s a tasty choice.)

In his discussion of trade secrets, Litigious McLawyerson explained that such instances of intellectual property are formulas (most often) that are kept a secret and not patented, in order to keep them off of public record. Coca Cola’s syrup mixture is famous for the lengths they go to keep a secret. Very often, you find that written record of concoctions are non-existent, or at the very most, written on a napkin somewhere in a vault.

(The napkins themselves are not trade secrets.)

One such secret recipe would be that of Listerine. Known best for its mouth washing agents and tarzan-inspired ad jingles, it was invented in the late nineteenth century and named after Sir Joseph Lister, an English chemist. Lister realized early on that his compound had many, many uses (how he decided to put it in him mouth to cure bad breath is beyond me.) Upon his death, Lister’s many possessions were distribute to close relatives, friends, and business partners. However, one special napkin was bequeathed not to his kin, but to another organization.

The Archdiocese of New York.

I (as well as McLawyerson) have no idea as to why the Archdiocese of New York played a part of Lister’s life, but the fact remains this: the Church is a 50% owner of all things Listerine. Granted, they don’t have monks making the stuff, they leave that to a little neighborhood drugstore firm called Pfizer. But every time a bottle is purchased, a little bit of that cost makes it back to Father Freshbreath.

McLawyerson estimates about $2 million per year, in fact.

Not a bad source of supplemental revenue. As a result, the Church has made plaque, tartar, and germs honorary “deadly sins.” Not nearly on the same level of the original seven, Cardinal Cleanteeth demoted them to “mildly annoying sins” and later to “bothersome venial nuisances.”

If Listerine is for us, then who can be against us?

Not to be outdone, Lucifer realized he couldn’t up the production of the three to the point where the Church would lose this income source, so he didn’t fight mouthwash with fire – he fought mouthwash with more mouthwash. A theory, if you’ll indulge me.

Scope is the work of the Devil.

They seem unassuming enough, just another bottle on the shelf. But their latest product launch has myself (not to mention the Archdiocese of New York a little concerned). Forget spearmint, freshmint, peppermint, and all the rest. Scope’s new flavor?

Cinnamon Ice.

Such a combination of coloring, wording, and flavoring is not of this world. Gee, thanks, Satan, now my breath tastes like fire.