Matchbox Aplenty

Okay, that’s it. NOW, I’m mad.

Up until this point, the rising gas prices didn’t bother me too much. Gas is a commodity that I need to purchase whether I like it or not. I need it for my car, which gets me to, and most often, fro. It’s just another line item in the daily expenses, and because of the economy’s cyclical nature, I can expect it to slowly recede back to levels that are easier to swallow (assuming hurricanes, wars, and the Edmonton Oilers choose to cooperate.)

But it’s when enterprising young start-up companies like Toyota, Ford, and GM decide to take matters into their own hands when I get a little ticked off. Yeah, I don’t like to see the pump wait until it hits 48 dollars to stop, but that doesn’t mean I want to see more fuel-efficient vehicles come back into vogue. While I don’t have an SUV, I like that they’re on the road. Much more room for bumper stickers for me to read while stuck on I-66 than a Neon or some other dwarfmobile.

CNN is reporting (seems like they do it a lot) that enormous SUVs will soon be phased out once again and a new market – “very small cars” will soon make a comeback. The Mini Cooper is just the beginning – soon all the major auto companies will throw their respective Micro Machines onto the highway. People like them because they’re fuel efficient and they are remarkably cheap. To a lesser extent, industry analysts also report a major selling point being that these new cars are “just so damn cute.”

That’s a technical term, folks.

The idea of the “very small car” is pleasing to most. People like to get as many miles to the gallon as possible. Manageable car payments are also highly favored. Even “cuteness” is a nice feature. Most people will like this foray into the miniature automobile market. I am not most people. And why, might you ask?

Chris Condon is 6 foot 4.

And he doesn't want to be a pretzel.

Tiny cars are great for teenage girls, race horse jockeys, lawn gnomes, oompa-loompas, professional gymnasts, Shriners, and Christina Toms. I do not fall into any of these classifications. I think. These new vehicles better not come with two rows of seating. I’m going to need the front seat to rest comfortably just in front of the taillights. Can you see me getting into that car?

We cannot stand for this miniaturized revolution. The car dealers must know that making cars smaller are not the answer! We demand respect in your designs!

No longer will we dunk basketballs for your amusement! No longer will we get things off of high shelves at your request. Even though we know that it’s raining before you do, we won’t share that forecast! You can’t look for us to find your friends in a crowd, for we shall duck! You will have to dust your ceiling fans all by yourself! We’ll lobby to raise the minimum height requirement on roller coasters! We’ll mock you by writing ranting paragraphs where the only form of punctuation is exclamation points!

Ok, I’m better now.