Que pasa, NASA?

You gotta love rocket scientists.

Public opinion widely holds that the smartest people on the planet work at NASA. The National Aeronautics and Space Administration is a choice employment locale for engineers and mathematicians graduating at the top of their respective MIT and CalTech classes. These men and women can put men on the moon and control satellites eleventy billion miles away. But my question is this – are non-engineering personnel exponentially smart as well? Can I expect a NASA copy boy to rattle off quadratic formulas? Can the guy who mops the floor of Mission Control translate Sanskrit on the fly? Can the front desk security guard solve the almighty Rubix Cube? I’ve always wondered this.

In the meantime, CNN reports that NASA has decided to set its priorities regarding space travel and other activities for the coming years. With many, many, projects on its plate without the all-too-important condiment known as “funding” to supplement, it was time to figure out what to focus on and what to jettison off into space. As per the article, their goals are pretty clear, and like you would expect from rocket scientists, well-reasoned. Above all, NASA will look to find a replacement for the space shuttle. Secondly, a work-to-completion project of the International Space Station. Other projects, like how salamanders doing space walks as an indicator of proposed human existence in the galaxy, will get deep sixed shortly.

(Poor salamanders. Out of work. Again.)

But for a bunch of guys who could probably prove ridiculous equations like Speed of Light x Pi = Cuba, it doesn’t seem like they’ve got their priorities straight. Yes, I totally agree that the Shuttle is getting outdated and a more hi-tech version of manned spaceflight must be developed. And I have nothing against the International Space Station – I hear that their World Passport Continental Breakfast is to DIE for. But why spend money on these two ‘moderately-important’ tasks when there’s bigger fish to uhh, fly.

- More monkey launches – Monkeys, undoubtedly, are in the pantheon of all-time funniest animals. And frankly, the Geek image that NASA has been pushing for decades is wearing a little thin. It’s time to leave the protractors and slide rules at home and bring the funny. If NASA needs to change their image, they have to trust the almighty powers of comedy. It worked for Christopher Walken. Since 1961, there have only been 6 primate launches. And two of them were from France. This means there have only been 4 monkey launches that sent up non-cheese eating surrender monkeys. You want a reality show? Have NASA broadcast their monkey flights. I’m sure Fox would pick it up.

- Mess with Texas – Right now, the Lonestar State not only home to Mission Control, they also serve as the homefield for the Dallas Stars, the Houston Rockets, and the Houston Astros. Use your know-how to create the ultimate space-athlete. After all, we’ll be living in space sometime in the future, and we’ll need to extend our Olympic dominance to the Intergalactic games. I’m thinking the hand-eye coordination of Mike Modano grafted onto the tireless fastball of Roger Clemens. All on Yao Ming’s body. Yikes.

- Destroy the Death Star – I love it that NASA has been so busy with lending their facilities to film cinematic trainwrecks like “Space Cowboys,” and the galaxy has had to rely on a small rebel force to destroy a weapon that could vanquish Earth in a blink of an eye. How about a little less defense money for Iraq and a little more to ensure our shuttles can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.