Floral Justice

When an animal is being improperly cared for anywhere at anytime, I have little doubt that the PETA Special Forces will swoop in on the wings of their Animacopter and thwart evildoers by removing the animal from the line of fire. They’re currently over in France assisting with the riots, since “car-burning” is about to give way to “puppy-kicking” as the preferred way to file one’s public grievances. PETA takes their job very seriously. It’s just a shame that there’s no one to take them seriously. (When your website’s headline proclaims “Partridge Sticks Up for Turkeys” you should know why.)

So there is an organization comprised of over 850,000 dedicating their time and effort to making sure animals are treated in a humane fashion. That’s cool. But YAB has another question for this near-million crowd.

Who’s looking out for the plants?

YAB is totally cool with PETA picking up the shield for God’s creatures, but what about His vegetables? Surely, in an era of deforestation, drought, and little kids running through flowerbeds, somebody should step up to the plate to make equally ludicrous demands on the behalf of greenery. That’s why someone, not Condon, but someone should establish and erect FLAP – Freakos who Like and Adore Plants.

Why am I choosing a mundane Wednesday to start a revolution in the protection of those who photosynthesize? Because as a part of my morning walk to the kitchen to fill the ole’ Nalgene bottle, I witnessed a first-class case of plant abuse, and I need an agency like FLAP to intervene.

Sitting there by the sink was a purple flowered plant looking for someone to read its last rites and send it off to the big botanical garden in the sky (or at the very least, the little black trash can by the Xerox machine.) It one of those ivy-looking plants where the flower’s leaves and petals are actually slightly fuzzy. But as said leaves and petals drooped down over the edges of the plant’s container, it was clear that the little guy has had very little lovin’ in the last few days.

ABANDONMENT! Recently, Corporate Telecom has been moved elsewhere in the building to make room for an expansion in Human Resources. (Arrr!!!) When once must pack up an office, one only takes as much as they actually think they need – it’s an opportunity for some housekeeping and housecleaning. Well, whoever used to care for this flower has moved up to the third floor and left him for dead. I can hear FLAP gasping in outrage now.

STARVATION! Dude, there must be 50 different people who use this kitchen on a daily basis, YAB’s editor included. I have to think the fuzzy flower has been here for a week, and it’s more than clear than no one has taken the extra few seconds to feed the thing. It’s not like it could be that hard – it’s sitting there RIGHT NEXT TO THE SINK. Oh by the way, FLAP hates ignorance more than PETA loathes puppykickers.

FLAP, since I just made them up, has very little in terms of start-up capital. No global headquarters, and definitely not any regional headquarters. So it could be a while until they get here to save the little fella and prosecute the departed phone jockey to the fullest extent of the law. I guess that buys all plant offenders a little bit of time to either right their recent wrongs or cover the tracks of past misdoings against our Little. Green. Friends.

I, sadly, am as guilty as the next guy. Sophomore year I was in charge of taking care of our apartment plant, Endor. I’m sure my roommates think twice about it now – I left him out on the porch over Thinksgiving break. Poor, poor Endor.

I can just here FLAP’s sirens now.