Donut Dilemma?

I got an e-mail today from Wegman’s. That’s not terribly unusual; I get e-mail from my supermarket of choice all the time. Fortune Magazine once awarded them as the #1 Company in America to Work For. So if stocking produce, slicing meat, and price checking cereal aren’t what you had in mind, it appears that they’ve got some openings in the IT and Promotions department. After all, someone’s on the other end of this Internet e-mailing new product information, recipe ideas, and whatever else they feel like it. And judging from the latest e-mail from the Big W, somebody just got fired.

To: condon@hungrynow.com
From: wiggitywiggityweg@wegmans.com
Subject: We’re sorry about the donut dilemma

Now when this shows up your inbox, a few questions come to mind. Especially the following: “WHAT DONUT DILEMMA?” I figured opening the e-mail might shed some light on this glazed subject.

Pardon our Error
You may have recently received a Fresh News email about our new donuts. We are so sorry to ever disappoint our customers, but our new donut program is not available in all Wegmans stores.

Oh, that clears things up. Totally.

Now I don’t know if this donut program is in Fairfax, but it concerns me more that I have no idea what a donut program actually is. And since the IT guy who sent out this worldwide e-mail accidentally has probably been sacked, it looks like I’m on my own. All I know is what this brief e-mail has given me to work with. I guess I’m on my own to play Encyclopedia Brown (whom I might add, Liz Grimm had an immense crush on when she was 8.)

Now if I were in charge of implementing a donut program, I guess I’d have to start with donuts. Really good quality donuts. Not the pre-packed rubbish that Nordberg would sell his soul for – I’m talking the kind that makes you feel guilty for eating something so sinfully good, but then your feelings of guilt are quashed by the um, deliciosity of the donut. Expertly-crafted dough, scrumtrilescent filling, and above all, no jelly donuts. I’ve never seen a donut other than jelly stand as the sole survivor in an almost-empty donut box, and no donut program of mine will have to deal with such an outcast pastry.

So I’m assuming Wegman’s follows my train of thought (after all, I’m the customer, and I’ve heard I’m always right.), and this is the product that is part of their program. Remember, the e-mail said it was a program, and that entails much more than aging donuts on a shelf. In the business world, a program is a fancypants word for “something that’s not part of your daily routine, but you’ll have to find time in your busy schedule to get it done anyway, and management is watching you.”

Now these donuts won’t be for sale, you have to earn them. Anyone willing to run at top speed down an grocery store aisle and jump head first into the floor-to-ceiling paper towel display gets a donut. One catch: right before the towels stands one of the original American Gladiators – like Nitro, Tower, or any of the scary women they had on that show. Get by them, and by God, that Boston crème donut is yours for free.

Wow, that sounds pretty good.

(re-reading e-mail)

You know what? I AM disappointed! Why didn’t Fairfax get that donut program? Not enough Gladiators to go around? Booooooooo.