Marty McSly

Did Sylvester Stallone build a DeLorean?

Stallone, the only man in Hollywood more unintelligible than the Governator, has apparently turned back the clock on his storied acting career. Even though the man will be celebrating his sixtieth birthday next summer, he has recently announced big movie plans for the future: Rocky VI, and now, Rambo IV.

I’m not going to use my word count to make “Sly is old” jokes. The man can bench press a Miata. Sure, in his prime he may have been able to lift larger vehicles – Hummers, Carrier Jets, etc, but I know which fights to pick and I’m not going to make wheelchair jokes at the expense of this guy. I think about lifting a mountain bike and I cringe.

Now I know the current state of the film industry is in dire straits. In an environment of sequels, prequels, and requels, original screenplay ideas should be exalted and pushed to the top of the stack (even if it does involve the protagonists going to White Castle.) Now despite all the other forms of entertainment out there (TV, Internet, paint drying), there is still money to be made in the theater. And I guess until someone breaks open the next blockbuster original idea, we’re going to be treading water with retreads. And who else to help us swim than the Sequel master himself, Sly.

I was watching a part of Scream 3 last night. This is the definition of a sequel that didn’t need to be made. Not only had they run out of ideas and creativity, they went on to alter plotlines of the first two, thus detracting from one good and one passable flick. Now will Stallone understand that these two new movies do not need to be made? Unlikely. Rambo will probably team up with Stifler to rid the jungles of terrorism, and Rocky will hit the comeback circuit, downing Glass Joe, Piston Honda, King Hippo, and Soda Popinski before losing to Mike Tyson’s ridiculous combo in the final scene.

(I can hear you rushing to fandango to get your tickets now.)

These franchises are worn – between the two we’ll be up to ten movies. TEN! That’s not original cinema. That’s a HBO mini-series. Now, I like several of the Rocky movies. Let’s not detract from them Sly. Why don’t you aim your sequel machine at the rest of your filmography.

Demolition Man 2 – It’s been 12 years since Stallone was last cryogenically frozen. Unfortunately, since Snipes will be busy making Blade 12, casting directors decide that Omar Epps can fill his shoes. Hey, it worked in Major League.

Stop! Or My Grandmom Will Shoot – Everyone loves a buddy cop movie. Especially when Stallone says “Aww, ma.” Every third line. But there’s a bigger question here - How the heck is Estelle Getty STILL alive???

Tango & Cash 2: Cash Money – Kurt Russell is above this. Teri Hatcher is above this. Jack Palance is above this. Therefore. Come see Sylvester Stallone play all four roles. He could be the Eddie Murphy of the new decade!

SpyKids 4-D: Game On! = In the previously installment, Stallone’s role of the Toymaker had height, width, and depth. Now he’s got to deal with a fourth dimension: senility. (Unless you count his multiple personalities from the last one.) He’s taking this to the next level!

Judge Dredd 2 – Dredd and Loving It – In the future, one man is the law. In the sequel of the future, one man falls asleep walking at 2 in the afternoon and mayhem ensues. Dakota Fanning as Warlord Abraham Fongor.