Rhapsody in Blue

I’m nice to help desk operators…most of the time.

For the past two years, Oscar Party has been made possible by unknowing sponsors. I’ve signed up for a free Netflix trial to see some nominees without paying, and then canceling thereafter. I’ve been able to brush up on the big races by getting 8 free issues of Entertainment Weekly by buying something (small) at Best Buy. At best of all, the expansive song library that is used for the famous Oscar Party does not come from my mp3 or CD collection, but from Real Networks’ own Rhapsody music service.

(And you thought I had all that Celine Dion on my iPod? Please…)

But the key part of the free sponsor equation is canceling said services before the trial ends, and therefore hitting you up for charges on a product you really had no intention to use, but rather simply exploit. The San Diego excursion last week, unfortunately, caused me to lapse on said deadlines. Thanks, West Coast.

Now while the prospects of rocking out to the best of KidzBop and the Rocky soundtracks at work has its appeal, at this point I’m frustrated to the point that no matter what I have just paid for, I just want Rhapsody to go away. Disappear, vanish, cease to exist. All of it.

I could just make Rhapsody play George Mason in basketball. That would work, right Chapel Hill?

(Snap.)

Unfortunately, those lads at Rhapsody are clever. Unlike Netflix, you have to actually call and talk to an actual person to convince them that you no longer require their services; a simple email or website does not exist. Maybe they think you will reconsider. Maybe you will get frustrated with being on hold for 20 minutes and give up. Maybe you won’t be able to understand who you are speaking to and somehow sign up for three other services you don’t need in error. Regardless, all I wanted to do on Saturday was call Rhapsody and give them the boot.

Figuratively, not literally. I like to keep my footwear in pairs.

Now the guy who picked up the other end, he has different goals in mind. His job, while it may be partially to process cancellation requests, is to find ways to keep me as a paying customer, without breaking the Rhapsody bank. I, on the other hand, am looking to lay the free trial smackdown, with no real regard. What happens if I, one customer, is completely honest about why I don’t want the service. Will I hurt his feelings? Will I destroy their business model? Will this guy put me back on hold and give me Celine’s Live from Vegas crap to lull me into a screeching stupor?

(Oh God, no.)

It’s quite the game really. The operator went on to offer me the rest of the month I had just paid for, plus an additional month of service for free if I chose to not cancel today. That was his best offer. What would happen if I had accepted those terms? Easy. I’d be writing this blog in about 46 days from now how I just got charged for the second time for a service I was using for its free trial properties. And while this guy was good, I thought of every excuse in the book why I wanted no part. (the best of which would have been taking a vow to become Amish, but I’m sure he would questioned my use of a telephone at that very moment.)

My response? “I liked it because it was free. It’s not free anymore. Cancel my account.”

Not witty, but damn effective.