Utensils of Fine China

YABNews: Dateline – Beijing

As read by our faithful field reporters (read: desk jockeys) on CNN.com, there’s some startling news coming out of the House 2 doors down from the House of the Rising Sun. The Chinese Ministry of Finance, feeling the harrowing effects of rapid industrialization, have begun to implement measures that can keep China looking like beautiful China while spending like the United States. Worried for their trees, they have levied a 5 percent consumption tax on several wood and timber products. Only the construction industry is in shock that wooden floorboards are included. But the world at large is choking over the other taxable item. Chopsticks.

The staple utensil for millions, you will have to dig a little deeper in your wallet if you want to eat Chinese Food these days. (As Chandler once pointed out, over there they just call it “Food.”) While China plans tax introductions with other products (Golf balls? Really?), this seems to be the one that is catching the attention of more than the sleepy eyes of the YABNews desk. This could be the source of riots. Mayhem in the streets. Cats and dogs, living together. Mass hysteria! But for Condon? I highly doubt it with all that ice water in his veins. Oh and one other thing. When it comes to chopsticks –

Can’t work ‘em.

It’s not that I’m ignorant – I just can’t figure out how to make long pointy stick #1 communicate long enough with long pointy stick #2 to collaborate and bring that piece of sweet and sour pork from the plate to my palette. It just doesn’t work. It appears my dexterity is limited to Playstation controllers and the number pad on a computer keyboard. Unless a fork is in my future, I would have to fast every time Chicken Fried Rice is on the menu.

Regardless, I have some solutions. Why? Because I’m hoping YAB will be huge in China someday.

First off, I think it would ultimately cool if people starting carrying their own designer chopsticks. It would allow you to bring to your restaurant dinner table a sense of style and cool that would be respected by the company you are in, not to mention the waiter. You know how professional pool sharks fold up their lucky cue stick and carry it around in a black case lined with crushed velvet? Same damn thing. Except you wouldn’t have to disassemble your ‘sticks to stow them away.

Secondly, restaurants could come up with new ways to help pay for the use of all that wood by allowing patrons to forgo the tax in exchange for providing the venue with entertainment. Any eatery, café, or bistro could install one of those FAO Schwartz-style giant keyboards on the floor. Anyone would could successfully play “Chopsticks” a la Hanks and Loggia will not have to pay the Chopstax, and the restaurant would foot the bill. The restaurant has the extra cash to pay it because they no longer need to hire entertainment. Everybody wins.

(Especially me, who is running to the copyright office to get a trademark on the phrase “Chopstax.”)