Governmuppets

I’ve got to buy more textbooks for classes, which means sooner or later, I’m going to have to head back into the heart of our Nation’s Capital. While the metro may be easier, I’ll probably fall asleep and miss the Foggy Bottom stop. Looks like the modus transportandi is going to be my one Accord. Let’s check the computer and see which Mapquestian way I will take to into the city. So many options, so little time. I-66? Route 50? I-395? Sesame Street?

Yes, Sesame Street is just another road that starts in Washington DC.

I first made the connection on a late-breaking CBSNews story from yesterday afternoon. I would read it if I were you, but in summary form, it looks like the folks down on the Street are being asked to help with federal policy. In a move to help cut the risks of child obesity, the Kingpin of the Sweet Tooth has been forced to change his tune. Cookie Monster, the crooner behind “Don’t Eat the Pictures” and “C is for Cookie (and Cookie is For Me)” has now added a health-conscious B-side to his singles, titled “Cookie is a Sometimes Food.” We don’t know if kids are going to listen to this new Track 2, but at least M.C. C.M. has done his part.

It’s not really like the blue dude had much of a choice. You see, he’s employed by the Children’s Television Workshop, whose program, Sesame Street, is broadcasted on the proprietary airwaves of PBS. Yes, that’s PUBLIC Broadcasting System, which means it’s state owned (well, with a generous grant from some silly Institute and Viewers Like You.) Which ultimately means that they are susceptible to following any Congressional Edict that the government sees fit. Ah, ha! They’re just a bunch of puppets!

Muppets, actually.

Well, don’t feel too bad for Cookie Monster; he came out of this format change with some perks of his own. Like a new job! Understanding the ways of nutrition and being a far-reaching voice for Generation Z, this monster wields some serious power. And in turn for his good deed, he’s been granted a seat in the Cabinet of the President of the United States. If you’re looking at a politician, and he’s blue, fuzzy, and his head is on one big hinge, then you’re looking at our new Secretary of Health and Human Services. What’s more, in an act of solidarity, Cookie has gotten all of his friends new jobs too!

The New Cabinet
(brought to you by the letter W and the number 15)

Secretary of the Treasury – Count von Count – “One, two, THREE stupid changes to the Jefferson nickel, Hah, Hah, Ahhhhhh.”
Secretary of Transportation – Grover – Will be America’s source on the ways you can get from Near to Far.
Secretary of Homeland Security – Snuffleupagus – If God forbid another attack similar to 9/11 is being planned, the terrorists better think again when they see who’s in charge. We’ve got just the m-, umm, eleph-, no not really, woolly mam-, no clue, uh – Secretary for the job.
Secretary of Commerce – Guy Smiley – This guy has been hosting fake game shows for so many years that he’s got to have a decent grip on how money comes and goes. Or at least he can fake it.
Secretary of Agriculture – Kermit the Frog – It’s not easy growing greens.
Secretary of the Interior – Big Bird – If we are ever going to hire an actual animal for the job, let’s pick the one who’s abnormally large. Follow that Bird, to Washington!
Secretary of Defense – Sam Eagle – On loan from the Muppet Show contingent. This guy is more DC than DC is.
Secretary of Education – Elmo – While Bert and Ernie were rehearsing sketches for the show, Elmo’s been singing alphabet songs for the children of the world. Tickle-Me-Secretary, but without the lawsuit!
Secretary of Energy – The Yips – These are those freaky aliens who say their name all day. ALL day. They never rest, and their endless supply of energy is both endearing and a job requirement.
Secretary of Veteran Affairs – Oscar the Grouch – Served in ‘Nam. Logical choice.
Secretary of State – Bert – With a joker of a roommate, Bert has had to deal with tough diplomacy issues since the show was created. Has an outstanding track record, and even the pigeons vote for him.
Attorney General – Ernie – Fun in the courtroom, but more importantly, would rename the post “Atternie General.”
Secretary of Labor – Mr. Hooper – If he were alive today, this seat would be reserved for him. Forget Luis, Gordon, Bob, Maria, Olivia, all of ‘em. This is the only human who actually did any work around here.
Secretary of HUD – Telly Monster – The token purple monster in the Cabinet. Campaign promise, I presume.