Your Grown-Up Identity

Back in March of ’05 (which was likely written in April and posted in March), we claimed a few allegiances to certain products as a stand for brand loyalty. Looking back, we’re still proud of those declarations; despite the fact Nordberg mocked our manhood since the post was actually about shampoo in pink bottles.

(It should be noted that I typed that entire post using the tips of two cordless power drills. Hey, it was tedious, but it had to be done.)

In reviewing those items, it looks like I was swearing loyalty to several ordinary product categories – ballpoint pens, shaving cream, barbeque sauces, to name a few – and now we realize no one will judge your character by such selections. As a member of the grown-up world, I realize that there will often be times that people judge you by brand loyalty; it just won’t be by the sports drink you choose. (It warrants mentioning that in Condon World, bringing PowerAde into my house WILL get booted off my porch.) However, there are some products that can generate an outsider’s opinion. More times than not, these products are simply “stuff you couldn’t have as a kid.”

The first such example: your car. You didn’t have one when you were 12, and due to “The Man” and his “minimum driving age requirements,” you didn’t spend your time evaluating what vehicle best fits you as a person. (It should be noted here that my sister wanted a purple limousine when she was 4. And she turned out ok. utinni) When you reached driving age, and later, buy a car age, you likely evaluated many factors that would determine what wheels you rolled on. Factors like gas mileage, color, engine size, gas mileage, dice fuzziness, age, gas mileage, and “how many of my friends can I fit in here to make a Taco Bell run” played large parts. Well, you’ve got a car now, and you’re stuck with it. And you’re sitting on my gordita, jerk.

All in all, people my age don’t care a ton about who drives what car.

Moving on, 12 year olds are unlikely to have a favorite beer, either. However, in later years, it’s nice to have a brand loyalty, a go-to, that if someone asks “What’re you drinking?” at a bar, you don’t have to think twice and can fire off your answer. (Note: it’s also a good idea to have a staple mixed drink for non-beer events. Mine? Jack and Coke. Nordberg’s? Bellini.) Some people (Chris Smith?) have developed in to beer connoisseurs, and can give you details about the taste of various brews? Condon? Yeah, my staple is Yuengling. Why? It’s never failed me, it’s hard for Mattias to spell, and it’s a Philly-area beer. It’s a respectable choice, and I’m happy to pull it out of the fridge when friends come over to watch the game. (Even though it’s the America’s oldest brewery, that doesn’t mean it’s been in my fridge since 1829. Trust me – it’s still good.)

But what is my age group to do with Wine?

Like Chris Smith and his tacit knowledge of all things ale-like, there are some my age who have worked hard to become wine experts. They know the difference between a Shiraz and a Cabernet, the importance of vintages and the various vineyards of France and California, don’t drink Merlot just because Sideways told them not to, and can open a bottle of pinot without shredding the bejesus out of a poor, defenseless cork.

Needless to say when it comes to wine, I don’t have mad skillz. Yet.

Now that’s not to say I’m a complete tyro, either. I understand the rudimentary differences in grapes and colors, and I know to trust a bottle from Napa over a bottle from say, Cleveland. I can generally tell good wine from better wine, and I don’t drink it out of a box. If Wine Experts were the Eagles’ depth chart of receivers, I’m probably a Hank Baskett.

The tricky thing is that with limited knowledge comes marginal decision-making skills. In many circles, a nice gift to bring to a dinner party would be a bottle of wine. If it were beer, or much less, running shoes, I’d have a go-to that would make the quick-stop supermarket stop an easier one. Grab the bottle and go (ok, pay somewhere in between.) But with wine, I’m not quite there yet. So how does one get by?

Know the Color. Find your Link.

For me, it’s that easy. If you have yet to develop a favorite, try and find out which color wine would be more appropriate. Asking the host for the menu in advance can go a long way in cutting your potential choices to a more manageable half. Then, scour the racks for a bottle that you can relate to. Example: Spud has allied with the Coppola Winery due to his cinematic tastes. (More a la The Godfather, less Jack, though.) These have to be clever, too, since very few people can play the hometown advantage card (unless, of course, you were raised in Australia or Bordeaux). So inspect the bottles, find something you like, and present with confidence.

(And keep a bottle of Yuengling in your coat if you end up selecting a lemon.)