DE-CAF! DE-CAF!

With the Super Bowl weekend fast approaching, YAB readers can no doubt expect the third annual Commies come Monday. It’s our little way of recognizing the great achievement in Spuer Bowl commercialing, without actually having to present anything of value to those lucky winners down on Madison Avenue. As you can see from the past two years (here and here), we’ll probably easily be swayed once again by stupid beer humor. Eh, whatever works.

It is pretty rare (unless by the expressed written consent of the National Football League), however, that Super Bowl commercials features pro football players. They can pitch anything to you all season long, but once the Big Game hits, we don’t need their help. Peyton Manning is a smart man, and he knows this. Besides, since he actually doesn’t have to buy a ticket to this Super Bowl, he’d be too busy to shill any wares. And being a smart man with a family to feed, Manning did the only thing a smart man could do in his situation.

He sold his soul to the marketing majors.

Personally, I think it would have been really fun to have Peyton in some of my marketing classes. He’d call audibles during group presentations, just to keep the professor guessing. He’d study his textbook so thoroughly that he has a contingency answer for anything Summarizing Chris (not me) can through his way. And my favorite, he’ll sit in the back of the room chanting “CUT THAT MEAT” for no reason whatsoever.

So Peyton Manning did what he had to – and appeared in 8, yes EIGHT different advertising campaigns over the course of this NFL season (there may be more, but thanks to his laser-rocket arm, we kind of lost count. Sorry.) Below, as a pre-cursors to the Commies, we rank his work in a ceremony held earlier this week.

(in ascending order, for purposes of “awesome mounting tension”)

8. GATORADE – In the beginning, there was a football. It sat placidly on a football field and then it began to rain. And then for no reason whatsoever, it bore a Peyton Manning, who broke out of his NFL-licensed womb in a weirder way than the Matrix, and then somehow produces a Gatorade Rain for some icy refreshment. What? I don’t know what other purpose it served, other than Archie Manning’s wife insisting on a paternity test.

7. REEBOK – When did Peyton Manning know he was going to make it in pro football (filmed): “When people stopped calling me Archie's boy and started calling me Peyton.” When did Peyton Manning know he was going to make it in pro football (actual): When I beat Eli for the 103rd straight time in Super Tecmo Bowl. Even in a video game, my kid brother gets all deer-in-the-headlights.”

6. NFL Shop – Ah, the Manning family, doing everything as if you needed a huddle. Doesn’t this seem a little counter-intuitive? This is PEYTON MANNING. PEYTON MANNING HATES TO HUDDLE. Everything is hurry-up offense, audible at the line, I’m throwing a comeback to Reggie Wayne. The huddle? Really? (Although Eli Manning fumbling the eggs is (classic, typical.)

5. TWEETER – What I like about this commercial, despite being late to the game, is the tone and seriousness it takes in order to commit to comedy. It’s quick, and it’s funny. As an informercial-public need type commercial, it allows Chris from Tweeter to do the talking. In addition, the tvs in the background only show brilliantly-colored weather scenes. They actually have this channel in HD – Dave watches it 24/7.

4. SportsCenter – Would have loved to put this even higher, except SportsCenter produces the funniest commercials on TV (as a campaign), and I expect more in the future from them.

3. DIRECTV – Man, Peyton Manning wants you to watch football on television. This was the ad where Peyton steps out from under center to pimp the Sunday Ticket package, seamlessly returning to actual game footage where he smokes the Titans for a 20-yd score. It’s got a good joke (Gotta run – actually I think I’ll pass), and it’s far less scary than the Bill Cowher one. When the Chin comes for the camera, I hide behind the couch.

2. SPRINT – Ah, good ole’ Laser Rocket Arm.

1. MASTERCARD – Despite the fact he calls Wendy a man and the Bobby apparently having a better arm than Peyton Manning, the barista’s scream was all this classic really needed to propel the Priceless ad to Number 1.