Why No One Can Find Carmen Sandiego

A little ways back we talked about the function my computer does or does not perform when I’m somewhere other than my desk. The Out of Office Assistant is here to let you people on the internets where I am when it is here I am not.

However, that doesn’t quite work for your co-workers.

There are two methods to informing the proximal masses of your whereabouts. The first, of course, is to tell somebody where you’re going and when you’ll be back. But this often feels like you’re asking permission, and therefore a little awkward. And what happens if that person steps out of the office? Now you’re fugitive from cubicle law. They’ll send the dogs after you – the ones with sharp pointy staple removers for teeth. Yowch.

Most times you leave your office, it’s probably for incredibly mundane purposes. Maybe you’ve got to make a sales call to the office across the street. Or you might be grabbing lunch at Flinger’s. Or it might even be that you have figured out that after a treacherous 1 inch of snow that everyone insists on getting their cars re-washed, and the only time to avoid waiting in line is mid-morning, when you and the rest of the world should be at work. Whatever the reason, you’re not there, and it’s not because you’re about to set the world on fire on account of a heroic deed.

So why not leave a sign?

Yes, the second way of letting thy co-worker know where you be is to post a sign. You can tell a lot about a colleague based on their out-of-office signs, and we feel it is our civic duty to translate some of their nuances. After all, if you stare at somebody’s sign so close that you can read between the lines, someone’s going to notice, and you’re going to look like a stalker. Let YAB do the stalking for you.

That didn’t come out right.

First, you have your Pre-Fab crowd. Overly-organized administrative assistants and those who have too much access to the color laser printer, this crew actually have a folder with a sign for any occasion. When they are out to lunch, they put up the out to lunch sign. When they are elsewhere in the building for a meeting, they’ve got one for that, too. And God forbid they have access to a laminate machine – they might be selling these things on the black market, they’re so professional. What’s wrong with their method? The time. Unless they have a sign printed and laminated for every location they may be and every possible return time, their lives are incomplete. Pointing this out may cause tears and a run on printer paper. Beware.

Then you have the Minimalists. Their whereabouts are limited to a hastily-scrawled post-it note, that may or may not still be stuck to their door. It’s often in pencil or whatever utensil they could get their hands on – running late will do that to a minimalist. I think one time I saw a guy try and let us know he was going out to Reston using a glue stick. Highly ineffective. What’s wrong with this method? While it may give you he essential information, relying on the adhesive of a Post-It note may mean that by the end of the day, your note may end up as well-traveled (via a shoe bottom) as you were. What’s right about this method? It drives the Pre-Fabs absolutely insane.

There's also the Obvious Brigade. These guys take a little more time to print out a one-sheeter out of Microsoft Word, but why they went to such lengths baffles all passers-by. After all, all they’ve written in their Size 32 Times New Roman Bold note is “Not Here” and “Back Later.” Yeah, that was totally worth the effort, fellas. What’s wrong with this method? Blank space. If that’s all you intend to scribe for your colleagues, why not tell us some other things that you’re not. What about “Not Asleep” or perhaps “Not robbing a bank.” Both are true statements, and if the cops come looking for a narcoleptic who just held up the First Federal on the corner, your co-workers can vouch for an alibi.

What would I do if I ever put up one of these signs? Well, I’d put the time I’d be returning, that’s for sure. After all, it’s really the only important piece of information on one of these notices. But as to my whereabouts? Is that really relevant? What does it matter if I’m running to the doctors’ office or on a sales call in Ballston? It doesn’t really benefit anyone to know what I’m doing – just when I’ll be back. Therefore, I would completely make something up that would both 1) make me seem cooler than I am and 2) offer as little relevance as the actual explanation. Hang on, I have to run to the restroom, I’ll be right back.

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