My Fireside Blog

Thank you all for coming today. God bless you.

There comes a time in any man’s career where an opportunity presents itself, and one is required to act. For Zack Morris, it was because there was a free trip to Washington DC involved. For Bill Pullman, it was because he really wanted to give a socially awkward inspirational speech. For Harrison Ford, it was a chance to decide who gets to be on his aircraft. For me, well, I wish I could say it was from something deep inside of me. However, it’s something for more powerful in our American fabric that has put me at this crossroads. Life? Nay. Liberty? No sir? A Will Smith movie? Wrong again.

It’s peer pressure.

You see, so many of my fellow Americans have their eyes looking towards the future. This is a future that they feel they can have a great influence over where our great nation of the people is headed. In 2008, the highest government post in the land, the President of the United States, will once again be vacant, and somebody who bleeds civic duty must step forward and be a leader. (And promise not let any of that blood get on the carpets of the White House – do you know how much it would cost to get those things steam cleaned?)

Hilary Clinton has stepped up to this patriotic charge. So has Bill Richardson. Barack Obama, Christopher Dodd, Dennis Kucinich. Former vice-president hopeful John Edwards has found the ring, and his hat has landed close to Rudy Giuliani’s. Joe Biden’s in. So are Sam Brownback and John Cox. And while we’re at it, don’t forget Romney, Gilmore, McCain, Vilsack, Paul, and the candidate so nice they named him twice – Tommy Thompson. All of these men (and woman) could be President. And I know what you’re thinking.

Why NOT Chris Condon?

This is why I’ve called you here today. I want you, my constituency who believe that above all else, politics are meant to be funny, that I, Christopher Jefferson Condon, have already formed an exploratory committee. This committee’s prime goal, like those committees of my colleagues, is to evaluate my chances of success should I choose to run for the Presidency. My colleagues’ committees also contain many sub-committees, designed to further explore more defined intricacies of a potential campaign.

My committee thinks sub-committees are weak.

That’s why we’ve created super-committees, and for the following two reasons. First, a super-committee has more resources to cover more ground than a wuss sub-committee. And by resources, we surely mean “creative minds that are good at making things up.” For example, what if Chris Matthews is to ask me about my poor opinion showings with Iowa cattle farmers? My super-committee lets me know that my campaign has a plan to sell all the cows in Iowa to Japan for Sony Playstation 3’s, which will force the cattle farmers in Iowa to get new jobs. Most of them will become car manufacturing plant workers. And everyone knows that my public opinion with autoworkers is way better than with Iowan cattle farmers. Problem solved. (And everybody gets a PS3!)

Oh, what was my second reason? Super sounds way cooler than Sub.

Anyways, you’ll notice that I did say I “have already formed” my committee, not I am “planning to form” one. Yes, my friends, my work has already been done. And despite all their hard work, we have come to a conclusion of exploratory measures.I, Chris Condon, will not be running for President in 2008.

Despite everything that I could bring to the White House and Katie’s desire to be First Lady, it’s just not going to happen in two years. Other than Iowa cattle farmers, I have few enemies (most of them are Canadian, and can’t vote here.) I have a good track record of recycling and conserving water, and at the same time, support big business. And yet, I don’t sit on fences – I hurdle them. But it’s a good thing that I formed this exploratory committee, before I devote my life to becoming the Commander-in-Chief.

Turns out my Committee says I’m too young.

By about 8 years.

They found it on Wikipedia. What a drag. Oh well, I guess that gives me another two terms to mock our allies and wax comedic about filling my Cabinet with Muppets.