Behold! He is Quaxxo!

One didn’t have to look too far to find out that 2006 Kentucky Derby winner and the number 1 patient at the UPenn School of Veterinary Medicine, Barbaro, was euthanized yesterday morning. For the horse racing and horse loving communities (though unlikely mutually exclusive), this is no doubt sad news. News that was breaking, front-page stuff on CNN, FoxNews, MSNBC, Drudge, SI, and yes, Deadspin for hours. It’s a good thing nothing of real importance was going on in the world.

Oh, wait.

You see, it’s not that I had so much a problem with Barbaro, but rather the crazed update reporting (only to be outdone by the “Brett Favre hasn’t made up his mind” updates) that perpetually ran on news tickers, as well as the slightly deranged stories of all the letters and notes that were being sent. Barbaro may have been wicked fast, but he sure wasn’t, um, LITERATE.

And while the mighty Barbaro may have crossed the Rainbow Bridge, wouldn’t you know that another of God’s creatures is trying to take his spot in the national spotlight?

Take Perky the Duck. Please.

In Tallahassee, FL, there’s a ring-neck duck that within the last week has: 1) been shot in the wing and presumably killed, 2) placed in the hunter’s fridge for two days, 3) perked up its head when the hunter’s wife opened the door, 4) had surgery to repair the wing, 5) had its heart stop during surgery, and 6) came back to life, to be adored by millions of Associated Press staff writers.

Ok, first off. The duck’s name is “Perky.” It’s not like he had this name prior to the story. Birds, contrary to popular belief, may not stick with a pre-ordained name just because it was written on their shell. This lame moniker was clearly the work of human intervention. I don’t know whether it was the hunter, his hungry wife, the vet, or some aspiring writer, but Perky? Really? Why not something with real regality?

Why not Quaxxo the Righetous?

So, Quaxxo the Righteous (see how much better that is) has been the fauna story du jour in Barbaro’s absence. And we’re not quite sure why. Sure, this is interesting water-cooler, off-beat, lighter-side journalism, but front page? Most Popular on CNN and Yahoo! News? God, are we bored at work or what?

You want bird news? YAB will give much more riveting bird news.

A family friend from back home (who, if you rearrange his first and last name you can spell “ALBINO SIBLING”) once had devised the perfect way to seek and destroy the lowest link of the Great Bird Chain: the sea gull. You see, sea gulls serve no purpose on God’s green Earth than to steal your Fritos and serve as comedic foils in Disney movies. Why do we need them? Nothing eats a sea gull in the food chain. They are far from delicious.

Dr. Sibling’s idea? To create a pellet gun to shoot these airborne beach rats to the ground. However, using pellets or any solid ammo can be traceable and there’s probably laws against it. So instead? Use ice pellets. That way, your projectile can pierce the wretched bird, sending him spiraling downward, and afterwards – the evidence simply melts away. Brilliant!

It’s a victimless crime!*

(God, I hope this cruelty to animals will incite “jz” to recount his uncle’s “modified humane raccoon trap” in the comments.)

*Assuming you’re not a sea gull.