The YABABY Guide

When you are expecting a child for the first time, the best way childless friends know how to help you on your new adventure is by providing baby-raising advice is to give you books. That makes sense to me. Since they cannot speak yet from experience, they consult academia, and help they’ve got a grip on what to do with a baby. My personal favorite? “Fatherhood” by Paul Reiser.

Now if I were to write a how-to baby book, or more likely, a how-to baby blog, I wouldn’t pull from any of these books. After all, the methods they practice I cannot vouch for, as we’re still a week away from actually utilizing them. I’ve never seen some of these suggestions in visual action – so why would I just pass onto you, the weekend reader, that they work? After all, every author has a different opinion on how to get a baby to sleep, how to feed a baby, how much sunlight they can take, and whether or not Barney the Dinosaur is a messenger from the Anti-Christ (actually, I can vouch for that one – it’s most definitely true.)

So below is YABABY – YAB’s How-To Tips on Baby-Parenting, compiled only by what we’ve seen in movies.

Under no circumstances should you let anyone put Baby in a corner. Two other men are not an ideal substitute for one mom, unless the third man is Steve Gutenberg. If Baby has a penchant for crying, he may grow up to be a Greaser. Babies are worth one million dollars. If a 14th century Carpathian takes an interest in your Baby at the park, be wary. Baby-sitting is an adventure, but if this adventure culminates in death, you as a parent may be the last to know.

Babies are not what they seem sometimes. In fact, they are sometimes men – anchormen. Strange British men from the 60’s may insist on inform your baby what is and is not their “bag.” Babies are capable of hitting 88 miles per hour, but may force a diaper change. If your Baby’s future is baseball, expect Gods to reach down and turn his right arm into a thunderbolt. Babies (and a savvy singing attorney) can acquit you of murder. Oh, and your Baby might actually be a leopard.

Don’t let Baby go to the circus – she’ll get drunk with older elephants. If Martin Short is a close friend of yours, I would check to see if your mother is simultaneously pregnant. It can happen. If you make Baby laugh, that laugh could produce a new colony of fairies. Not all Babies have the gift of song – some just know how to dance. If dad builds extravagant scientific contraptions in the attic, please don’t let Baby near them. Men cannot birth children, unless they are also a United States Governor.

If you have a dog, collie or otherwise, they’ll have to take a backseat to Baby. If your Baby looks like a Wayans brother – someone is trying to rob you. If your Baby talks at an early age, pray to God that she doesn’t end up sounding like Roseanne Barr. Your Baby may be an excellent diversion, you know, if you and your spouse happen to be ex-spies in the Big Easy.

Oh, and one other thing? Your Baby is NOT a Genius.

No such thing exists.