Too Many Cleats in the Kitchen

It was announced yesterday that Bill Parcells, head coach of the Dallas Cowboys and the Number 1 Candidate to wear a Bro, will be retiring from football and leaving the NFC East for good. Eagle Nation is okay with this, as out of the three rival head coaches, Parcells was the only one that actually worried us. (As a side point, we thank the management of the New York Giants, who have graciously returned Tom Coughlin to screw up the G-men for another year. Awesome.)

We can’t blame Parcells for making this decision. He is 65 after all, and while highly unlikely, it would be nice that when we reach that age we can stop working (what Social Security?) The position of “NFL Head Coach” is indeed a demanding one, and it’s becoming a young man’s game. Pittsburgh just hired a 34 year-old! Oakland? Their new guy is 32! I’m apparently a better fit to “make it in pro football” then Old Manboobs. Bill Simmons wrote a stellar article a few weeks back about how so few coaches over 55 succeed this day and age. Considering Belichick just lost to Peyton Manning and is 54, Simmons may be onto something.

And yet, Washington stands behind their main man Joe Jackson Gibbs. He’s a year older than Parcells, and continues to lead the burgundy and gold despite a tough season and a completely insane boss. How does Gibbs do it? Where does he find the energy? Isn’t Matlock on at the same time he’s supposed to watch game film? Are team dinners at early bird special times? I must know!

Oh.

It seems that the way that the ever-fit Gibbs manages such a tough job at his age is by hiring coaches. Billions and billions of coaches.

Ok, he’s got 19. But that’s four more than Andy Reid’s staff, three more than the Colts, and a staggering 8 more than the newly-departed Parcells team. The reason we thought to check this out? Mattias insisting that they should find a place on the staff for former ‘Skin Russ Grimm, who may want to look elsewhere after being passed over in Steeltown. Sure Russ, we’ve got room for you. But on road trips you’ll have to sit on Jerry Gray’s lap. Cool?

Upon a further analysis of Team Gibbs, we wonder if there’s some overlap of duties. For those of you who have never coached professional football, the offensive coaching team normally consists of the following:

• Offensive Coordinator
• O-Line Coach
• Quarterbacks Coach
• Receivers Coach
• Running Backs Coach
• Tight Ends Coach

That’s cool, a coach for every position on the O-side of the ball. It probably makes training camp go a lot more smoothly. Gibbs, like every other team, has these positions filled. Don Breaux is the offensive coordinator of the Washington Redskins.

But what about Al Saunders, the guy Dan Snyder paid more money to be the Offensive Coordinator than most teams pay their head coaches??

Oh, Saunders – and his 700 page playbook – are still in Washington, but he’s not merely the offensive coordinator – that’s Breaux’s job. Saunders is officially “Associate Head Coach – Offense.” Apparently, he is a sort of head coach, probably because of Gibbs’ age. He’s an assistant head coach, you could say. OH WAIT. No, he’s not – because the Redskins actually have two people with the title Assistant Head Coach – Gregg Williams and Joe Bugel. Bugel is the Assistant HC for the Offense, which must be different than the Associate HC for the Offense – that’s Saunders. And neither of them need to coordinate the offense – that’s Breaux’s job. Sound good?

If so, let’s move on. Gibbs also has found a job for Jack Burns as an Offensive Assistant. We assume he does the Offensive Coordinating the Breaux doesn’t get to, and the Assisting Head Coaching that Bugel overlooks. We’re actually surprised that there’s no Offensive Associate, to help back up Saunders, who must be very tired from carrying that heavy, heavy playbook around. Let’s throw in Joe’s kid Coy as the Offense’s Quality Control Coach for good measure, and THAT’s a coaching staff.

So Russ Grimm, while there aren’t any Associate or Assistant coaching positions available, how would you like to be the Vice-Assistant Coach for Offensive Advisement? (We promise to hire two other Visiting Coachship positions to support you.)