Not Exactly Playing for the Thai

Hi. My name is ah Borat. I am master champion in the sportings of ice hockey. High Five!

Yeah, there’s no way I could keep that up for 600 words.

But we do have news from the wayward reporter’s homeland, the glorious nation of Kazakhstan. Prior to the Sacha Baron Cohen’s hilarious lampoon of just another impoverished former Soviet republic, we didn’t know much about Kazakhstan. (Maybe that’s why we stuck it in my kid’s ABC’s, so that she can teach me.) Shouldn’t we know more? It’s the 9th biggest country in the world! And with a concerted effort, maybe they can pass Argentina for 8th!

(I don’t know, maybe it’ll get hungry and eat Kyrgyzstan.)

However, prior to Borat, I was aware of the Kazakhstan. After all, their country loves the sport I love as well: ice hockey. They appeared in the ’98 Nagano Olympic Games, an Olympiad that would force me to go to Brescia’s and watch ice hockey live at four in the morning. And the upstart Kazakhs were a part of it!

Too bad they sucked.

Yes, Kazahstan went 0-3 in the medal round of that particular tourney, bested by Russia, Finland, and the Czech Republic. The good news is that they managed six goals against Domink Hasek and his Group B counterparts. The bad news is that they allowed 25. Eesh. Not exactly what Borat would call a ‘great success.’

There’s an old sports adage that goes, “If you can’t beat ‘em, annihilate someone you can.” (or something like that.)

Breaking news out of qualifying for the 2008 Asian Winter Games:
Kazakhstan Ice Hockey is Now Glorious!!!”

Yes, even without Kazakh and Toronto star Nik Antropov in the lineup, the teal and gold routed Thailand on Monday in a hard-fought game for Asian Domination. The final score? Kazakhstan 52, Thailand 1.

Ouch.

Let’s review some stats, shall we? Yes, the Thai goalie did allow 52 goals, but keep in mind, he faced 97 shots. You see that’s a save percentage of 46%! If he could have had a little defensive help, in a normal game, that would have only been –let’s see, um, carry the 2- 14 goals. Ok, that’s not much better.

No player scored more that 7 goals for Kazakhstan, which means if nothing else, they’re well-balanced. But it also means every player pretty much got a hat trick. It is customary in hockey arenas to toss your hat on the rink as a sign of respect for a player who nets a trio of goals. So….what happens when his 16 teammates do the same? Do you buy more hats at the souvenir shop or just pretty much resort to other clothing. That could get cold in a hurry, no?

In a nice interview with Canadian Press, the American coach of Thailand explains that for his national team, he has about 40 guys in the WHOLE COUNTRY to pick from that have hockey experience. There’s a greater percentage of them that will make the team than pucks their goalie will save. Now I know I joked about playing international soccer in the past and all, but this time I’m serious.

I AM GOING TO PLAY THAI HOCKEY! Joe, you coming with?