From the Scrap Heap to the Cover 2

For those of you who are avid sports fans and in a marriage or steady relationship, there’s a very easy way to find out if your spouse / true love are actually listening when you start spouting statistics and plays rather than talking about your feelings. After all, the story you’re about to tell him/her about that Duke game last night is easily 70% more interesting to you than it will be to them, and there’s a high likelihood you’ll get the nodding treatment until it’s over.

No, not electro-shock treatment. Freak.

Now my wife has passed this test with flying colors. If she’s not a sports fan, there’s not much chance she’s going to score well on this test. And while nowhere near as demanding as the Baltimore Colts fiancée test in the movie Diner, it’s a simple sports knowledge game. You name her the sport and the city, she tells you the team. Katie rules at this – she probably got 90 per cent in both baseball and football. (Plus she contests that I made up the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. But then again, with the ‘Rays we’re using the term baseball team very loosely, no?)

Fact is, Katie knows her sports. She watches sports with me, and she asks intuitive questions. And as the resident sports fan in the marriage, I have been able to give her a correct, succinct answer to all but one of her queries. ALL BUT ONE. This means that there is one answer that I cannot give my wife for an informed, insightful interrogation concerning the Wild World of Sports. We examine this question today.

“What’s with that stupid Fox robot?”

Excellent question, dear.

In 1994, Fox entered into the big-time by paying the NFL 1.58 billion dollars for the right to broadcast Aikman, Young, and the rest of the NFC exclusively. They brought a new attitude to broadcasting football, as well as some exciting changes. One such change would be displaying the score in the upper corner of the screen, as opposed to the massive box that so often occupied the bottom right. Oh, and they introduced this guy.

An accumulation of metal, bolts, and a killer scouting combine performace, the NFL Fox Robot has been around the NFL for nearly a decade. In training videos (like the one I linked and you ignored), he’s shown running over lesser football robots and come Thanksgiving, piling on innocent robotic turkeys. But these promos are nothing compared to what NFL Fox Robot is capable of.Now when we come back from commercial, you see NFL Fox Robot on the left-hand side of your screen. He’s jumping up and down, stretching his arms back and forth, and pretty much, indicating that’s he’s ready to play. No player in the NFL has the pre-game discipline that NFL Fox Robot has.

And yet, he never gets to play.

You would think that after ten years of scouting, one of the teams in the NFC would have handed the guy a contract, or at the least, an invite to training camp. Base on his level of flexibility and speed, I’d either making him a linebacker or a wide receiver.

Imagine that you are Jon Kitna, the quarterback of the Detroit Lions. You’re playing in Green Bay and it’s snowing out. Your offensive line has been suspect all year, yielding double-digit sacks a game. Since your general manager insists on drafting wide receivers every damn year, your protection is weak. However, you stand in the pocket, a savvy veteran, and know as long as a second wave of pass rush doesn’t come on a blitz, you should have ample time to hit Roy Williams on a go route. The Packers’ linebackers? Please.

Ok, now imagine that Green Bay has signed NFL Fox Robot to play strong side linebacker. If you’re Jon Kitna, you’ve got to be petrified. The Packers took a chance on this pigskin cyborg, and if he gets to you, consider yourself squished. All you can do is take a three-step drop and pray that NFL Fox Robot is not resistant to rust.

Too bad Green Bay’ll never get him.

Rumor has it Dan Snyder wants to pay him 32 mil of the next 5 years.