Tower, Version 2.0

Let’s cut to the chase, people. In this era of primetime game shows, we’ve been getting most of our crazy money giveaway ideas from the United Kingdom. For some reason, they have cornered the market on innovative ways to simultaneously dole out large sums of money to undeserving peasants, while at the same time inject just enough suspense and glitz to prevent you from changing the channel. Eh, they were bound to be good at something – you know, after that whole colonialism thing blew up in their faces.

Why must we look across the Atlantic for programming innovation? Are we incapable of coming up with riveting television on our own? We’ve got resources they don’t. We are graduating millions each year in silly collegiate majors like “communications,” and no doubt if we get someone to organize, we can have these people sitting in rooms round the clock inventing new, good TV, right? We have more people! More rooms! More clocks! Suck it, England!

(calms down)

When it comes to overcoming our once-oppressors, it’s helpful to look into America’s past. After all, there's no place better to look how to top the Union Jack than what history has shown us. We can find an original television idea in our annals that would work perfectly well in today’s media programming climate. In fact, I think NBC already has.

They’re bringing back American Gladiators.

This is an excellent choice. Not only was this one of the best game shows on TV in the early nineties, patriotism will ooze out of TIVO, it’s so American. Now I don’t know what updates are to be made to the previous edition, but I do know that they’re going to need contestants. And barring stupidity on their part, that means one thing.

Chris Condon is going to be on American Gladiators.

I have copied selected excerpts from my 22-page completed questionnaire. Enjoy.

3) What is the next milestone in your life if you do not make the show? I intend to re-focus, re-tool, and re-apply. I understand that Gladiators in America is the pinnacle of the sport; however, there are many smaller national federations in which I plan to hone my skills and eliminate any deficiencies. I’ll start in the Caribbean ranks, beating up the competition on Haitian and Curacao Gladiators, and then make my way to the mainland up north. I’ll come back as the 3-year reigning champ of Canadian Gladiators, with a world record time in the “Igloo-Build” event.

7) What would your friends say are your best qualities? I’m tall.

8) What would your friends say are your worst qualities? I can’t hear them to find out. They’re all much shorter than me.

10) How competitive are you in every day life? I’m damn competitive. This morning I made two dishes of oatmeal, handed one to my 6 month old daughter, yelled “GO!”, and finished way faster than her.

15) How would you use the American Gladiators prize money? I’d put a significant down payment down on a new townhome in the DC area, thereby reducing my monthly mortgage payment to just under $6,000/month.

19) What conversation topics are “off-limits” for you at a dinner party? I cannot answer this question, as I’ve never hosted a dinner party. Dinner parties are for those who lose at American Gladiators. Winners have other means of eating – like going through a Wendy’s drive-thru and poking the cashier relentlessly with my giant jousting bar.

21) If you were going to be in People Magazine, what inside info about you would be put up next to your picture? “Actually subscribes to People Magazine.”

22) What is your most embarrassing moment? So there was this lamppost once…

23) What is the weirdest thing about you? I am typing this questionnaire with my mind.

26) From the list above, please circle your 3 biggest fears. (From the list, I circled “fire,” “the ocean,” and then I wrote in “If you find a way to put fire on the bottom of the ocean, I might cry.”)

30) Do you have any allergies? Red, white and blue spandex. Will that be a problem?

34) Do you know anyone who has or is applying for the show American Gladiators (if yes, please list their names.) Sure. Chris Condon

44) Below list the people you would like to appear with you on the show to help support you:
1. Katie Condon
2. Jesus
3. Master Yoda

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I’ll let you all know when my episode airs.