Send In the Serial Killers

I got the following email this morning via from Shawnee Group veteran Karen Yelito.

I ran across this gem~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0OcF4_vEKs
Who knew Chris Condon was so LAME.... hahahaha... I mean the title is cool but the who cinematography and story line could suck so bad.

Ok, when you get an email and you are called out by name, it pretty much compels you to click on a link, right? Especially since you do have a YouTube video of your own out there on the interwebs, and you’re hoping that K-Yel didn’t just discover you lazy-Sunday-masterpiece, some two years after the fact. But as I clicked through, and did not see that familiar “An SNC Digital Short” title screen, I knew that I was in for a ride.

A sad, depressing, clown-incorporated ride.

I am well aware that I am not the only Chris Condon in this world. We are a people strong, with writing ability, artistic talent, and height. We’ve written books. We can morph into available real estate. We can publish well-produced parody ads, and also spend our time taking pictures on the PGA tour. But these are all just the day jobs of Chris Condon. At night, it’s a completely different story.

And as Karen mentioned previously, it’s a lame one at that.

Now I’m not saying that I AM the Chris Condon that this “movie trailer” is featuring, as the producers of the flick do point out that “all events and characters in this movie are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.”

Let’s hope so.

Let’s go frame by frame, and allow me to explain myself. Again, here’s the link.

:03 – The opening title frames feature an eye surrounded by darkness. Considering my eye was surrounded by blackness for the last few weeks, this does not bode well for my case to prove that this has nothing to do with me.

:09 – The Life of Chris Condon is the name of this flick, and it’s starring me as well, me. This is clearly a coup for Central Casting. You always wonder who Hollywood would have play you in a film. I always assumed it would be Jon Favreau. This works as well.

:15 – And there I am, clearly drunk at the wheel of my red convertible. Wait a minute, I don’t ever recall having that car. It’s probably a Porsche, which is clear-cut proof that this isn’t me. Do you think I’ve ever been able to fit my legs into the driver’s seat of a Porsche? Or maybe that’s why I drink. I drink the pain away. (In hindsight, that was a lousy parking job on my part.)

:20 – “Chris Condon is a serial killer by night.” It appears that serial killing is a tiresome occupation. It appears that I’ve fallen asleep immediately after exiting my vehicle. Hmm, a propensity to fall asleep in unusual spots. Damn it, this screenwriter has me pegged.

:24 – Did a clown just carry my lifeless body inside? Huh?

:25 – “And a clown by day” Wait a minute, so I’m the clown? Well, I guess that goes to explain why I don’t remember that car or anything about that ever happening to me. Now here’s where the facts get skewed. I hate clowns. I think they’re stupid, and often creepy. There’s no way I’m a clown, unless it’s the only way I can hide my night job from Katie. I don’t think her parents would approve.

:28 – Ah, the old hand buzzer. That would slays me every time.

:37 – “The only people he kills are other clowns.” You see, I told you I don’t like clowns. So it’s like a vendetta-type thing. This is making sense.

:55 – Ok, costuming totally screwed this one up. I know it’s highly confusing that all clowns are wearing the same exact outfit. But mark my words, I’m the clown in the black mask holding an axe. Clown-to-clown combat can get rather fierce, and there’s no way I’m bringing a knife to an axe fight. Hey, is that axe passing through my pelvis? Ow.

1:05 – Didn’t even need the axe. I just killed that guy using mind bullets.

1:12 – Ok, so now I’m in some sort of old Mexican cathedral setting. This was supposed to be a boardroom, but we blew all of our production budget on that car back in the first scene. We had to deal with what was available. And no, those three actors aren’t zombies.

1:20 - “And of course…he kills…HIGH” I was just about to admit to being a chain smoker, until our helpful narrator just turned the table on me. That’s no ordinary cigarette. Who’s hungry?

1:30 – “HIGH…CLASS…ENGLISH PEOPLE” Did I say I was HIGH? Sorry about that, that was a mistake. I have never done drugs. (I’m going to kill that guy with the cue cards.)

1:42 – I shot them? Where’s my axe?

1:46 – That guy on the left took a long time to die. What a ham.

See? I told you that wasn’t me, Karen.