Forget the Hand of God

...this is the story of the Hand of Madden.

Probably the most well-known instance of cheating in the history of sport came in the 1986 World Cup quarterfinal match between Argentina and England. Diego Maradona, widely regarded as the second best player in the history of the game, broke a scoreless tie by beating British goalkeeper Peter Shilton to the ball - with his hand. An intention of heading the ball was there, but as the video replay showed, Maradona's hand got there first and directed the ball past Shilton, giving the Argentines nothing to cry about. They went on to win the game 2-1. England has held a grudge ever since. This is bad, because England doesn't forgive and forget. The Americans defeated them in 1776, and 221 years later, they gave us the Spice Girls. Maradona later would say that it was the Hand of God that intervened to give Argentina the biggest cheating scandal in the history of modern athletics.

Until now.

The team of Condon and Mellor have been playing the Madden football series for years. We've always played as allies, and our skill is off the chart (if there was, um, some chart that, well, measured this type of skill, yeah.) So good, in fact, that in our first season of Madden '05 we won the Super Bowl with the following conditions:

• 14-1-1 record in the regular season.
• Donovan McNabb got hurt in the Super Bowl, so Jeff Blake won us the trophy.
• Spud plays away games blindfolded.

We're that good. Anyways, since we has mastered Level 2-Pro, we figured for Season 2 it was time to take it up a notch to Level 3-AllPro. It makes the games challenging again, and they often come down to the final play of the game, for better or worse. Now my esteemed colleague has always contended that John Madden is a "big, fat cheater" and that his video game manifestation tends to make the impossible possible. I tend to disregard this chatter, and rationalize it in a way that can't be in the programming code (Ex: "Well, of course Billy McMullen would drop that ball. He's a rookie in an away stadium!!") Whether it be the weather, my uninspired play-calling, or the kitchen's on fire (again), I always find a way to defend Mr. Madden.

The truce is over.

Last night, we witnessed what should be on ESPN's new list of Biggest Controversies of the last 25 years. Week 5 of our sophomore season as the Eagles, playing in the safe havens of the Linc. The hated Redskins (our only loss last campaign) were in town and had managed a 24-7 lead halfway through the third. We scored on a McNabb naked bootleg, and the Skins countered with a field goal to make it 27-14. At the top of the 4th, a huge run by Buckhalter and a punch-in pass to Pinkston made it a six point game. (Don't call it a comeback.) 2 minute drill team on the field after a Lito Sheppard return, McNabb hits T.O. in the corner of the endzone to put the Birds up one with 28 seconds to go, and only one Washington timeout left. It's in the bag. Right?

An Akers kickoff into the endzone gives Patrick Ramsey and co. half a minute to drive at least 60 yards to get into field goal range. And then in begins. 18 yards to Michael Ricks. 6 yards to Portis. Another 7 to former Eagle James Thrash. 4 seconds left, still 29 yards outside of a field goal, and the Skins are forced to call a timeout. Now, it's endzone or nothing, baby. Spud and I do the happy dance.

The teams line up for one last play, with 5 wideouts all going deep (at least they should be). Ball is snapped, and Ramsey drops back. Our coverage is suffocating (like VH1's interest in P. Diddy). Ramsey fires, and comes up with Laveurnes Coles at the 41. It's over. CB Sheldon Brown squares up and knocks Coles to the ground, and the FLY, EAGLES, FLY cheer starts!!!

Flag on the play. Facemasking, 15 yards. The football rulebook does not let the game end on a defensive penalty. The football rulebook should be put in a blender and set to goo-ify.

Sure enough, Madden moves the spot of the ball to the 24, John Hall kicks the field goal, and our hopes and dreams are all crushed. Redskins 30, Eagles 27.

Maddengate is on.