...because Dr. Pepper is a certifiable idiot.
Honestly, I've never met Dr. Pepper. He's probably an alright guy. I mean, products named after people must have model citizens as namesakes, otherwise today's press would tarnish their reputations and force the host company to remove them from the shelves. You've got to think that Mrs. Butterworth is president of the garden club over in breakfast foods (it sure isn't Count Chocula - what a raving looney, that guy.) So, it is this fact that makes writing this post so hard. Dr. Pepper nay be the nicest man in the world, medical degree and all, but let's face it. Dr. Nick is smarter than him.
The reason I am forced to question the good physician's intelligence is his appearance in in my accounting class tonight. No, he's not enrolled in the class (freeloader.), but he was the choice beverage of one of the girls who sit in my row. Therefore, because of his proximity and my mind's post-project numbness for accounting (Dividends are dead to me.), I really got a chance to analyze his latest choices in fashion, and I conclude that he must have lost a bet or something. Here are the reasons for my scathing red carpet review: (Hey look, I'm just like Joan Rivers. But with a soul...)
- Texture. The Doctor has decided to forgo the smooth and clear plastic exterior that has become widely popular in soft drink circles. Instead, he's gone the way of the basketball. Since LeBron, Grant, and Kobe were all too busy drinking Sprite, Dr. Pepper took matters into his own hands to attract the hardcourt faithful. Any place on his body not covered by label reveals a bump pattern so consistent he might as well be called Spalding. My chief concern here? Obscuring the view of the liquid contained within. Honestly, I can't tell if that's soda or syrup. For all I know, the Doc could be having an affair with Mrs. Butterworth. (But doctor, she's a married woman!)
- Girth. It appears Dr. Pepper has either been in the weight room or at BALCO (can soda be on the juice?), because he looks like he's filled out around the the torsonic region. Sure enough, in banner form around the top of the label, he yells, "5% MORE THAN A 20 OZ!" Wow, that's great, man! The more caffeine the better right now. That's....Wait. 5% more than a 20oz? Now let's crunch the numbers...carry the four...Ah HAH! The doctor has cleverly disguised a lousy 1 ounce increase as a major size breakthrough. Verrrrrrrrrry clever.
- Apparently, the Doctor's promotion of the mighty extra ounce has spawned a bit of a strange fashion statement. Surrounding his nametag is a field goal post and a football sailing over the D in Doctor. Apparently this new look is the Extra Point campaign. Uh, Mr. Pepper, a word of advice? If you are going to pose as a football player pick any position, ANY POSITION, other than a kicker. You do want to be respected, yes?
- Finally, Dr. Pepper's side label warning: Contents under pressure. Cap may blow off causing eye or other serious injury. Point away from face and people, especially while opening. This is the most serious words of warning I have seen since I read the label on Tim Fischer's old trampoline - WARNING! MAY CAUSE CUTS, ABRASIONS, OR DEATH.
In conclusion, the Doctor should have ordered something else.
1 comment:
I'm filing a formal complaint against this blog for slandering the good name of Dr Pepper. For shame. (Is it slander or libel? Always get those confused. Future lawyers, help me out.)
At any rate, since when have you, my fine friend, been one to judge solely on appearances? (By the way, yes, I am aware that I do this all the time - remember Shoegirl?). His bumpy texture and filled out exterior are a marketing technique to go along with the extra point campaign. Yes, this is a pretty stupid campaign -because when I want a soda (NOT a "pop"), I am thinking about what to drink, not who has a better freebie contest. And when I am deciding what to drink in the world of soda, I always go for Dr Pepper. ALWAYS.
One of the sadder time periods in my life was when we took our senior class trip to NYC and we couldn't find Dr Pepper around anywhere! Not in restaurants, not in vending machines, not in any of those crazy little convenience stores. You don't want to know what a bunch of teenagers from Brookville High School will do when deprived of Dr Pepper for 4 whole days - lets just say, its not pretty. Some people even resorted to drinking other substances (Robitussin, anyone) in the hopes of acheiving their Dr Pepper high.
In conclusion - don't insult the Doctor again. I'll be forced to get all of those singers together to do their versions of "Be You" 24/7 in your vicinity.
Post a Comment