Scissors on the Chair

First things, first. Christmas shopping for the blog. One of these days of Christmas, the blog is going to be in for a nice stash of gifts, since the upgrades I had planned on daily lose out to studying for finals. Sorry, blog, I know you've been good this year, but you're going to have to wait until the semester is over on Saturday. Be patient, little blog.

Second things, second. Come on people, only one response to the quiz? I'm extending the deadline to the end of the week. Go back to Friday's post to pay tribute to the Greatest Blog ever written by a guy whose name begins with C and ends with hris Condon.

Third things, third. Someone is trying to kill me.

(Bet you weren't expecting that! Snap!)

I don't know how the mafia works in an office environment, but I have a feeling that this is how it might go. Outside of the daily work routine, where every employee's objective is to contribute to the overall revenue-generating business strategy, lies some other intabgible job responsibilities. One such task is to contribute to the office environment. The premise is this, and has probably been the hallmark of any Employee Rules video since the 1950's (I'm Troy McClure...), is that a happy workplace is a productive workplace.

Since most firms in the Federal Contracting business try to keep their corporate overhead low, few actually have a "Morale Coordinator" position on staff. Besides, these positions, as stereotypes would have it, would be filled by out of work cheerleaders or Dr. Phil clones (now THAT's a good horror flick!) No one has in the annual review goals the phrase, "Make sure everyone is having a good time. Or else." As a result, there needs to an underground syndicate that sets out to accomplish just this.

The responsibilities of such a racket are these. Without being directed to do so, the upper management would like their employees to be happy, (without giving them random cash bonuses, but that would work...), and therefore rely on this independent operation for cubicle glee. Some of these operations are very formalized and structured: birthday cakes for birthdays, secret Santa and Christmas lunches (People with desks love bobbleheads as gifts around here.), and occasional thank you and retirement parties to boost morale. But I guess a lot of the syndicate's work is informal - office pranks, witty and immediate e-mail responses, and taking the time to mock the Redskins on Monday mornings.

I guess I'm slipping.

I am required by my co-workers to bring the funny on a daily basis, and this contributes to the office environment. It's a blessing and a curse. Regardless, since finals and projects (cough CIA cough cough) have occupied that other part of the brain that should be concentrating on non-work related functions, the cranial room for funny-bringing has shrunk considerably. Thus, I am not pulling my weight.

Now if I was slipping a little, I would probably get pranked. Simple stuff. Like hiding my cell phone, or maybe alphabetizing my keyboard by popping off the keys for a little rearrangement. But from the first thing I noticed upon getting here this morning, I must be slipping a lot. Because what I have interpreted as a threat, surely could mean that I have become so unfunny, my life is on the line. The Godfather - yeah, he uses a horse's head in the bed. But other means are used in an office.

Scissors on the chair.