Dairy Queen vs. District of Columbia

In the Battle of the Blizzards, DQ 1, DC 0.

I don't know if anyone heard, but I think that my beloved metropolitan area just endured (and survived!) the latest storm of the century. I am astonished with what perserverence this area of the country was able to muster to stare Old Man Winter in the face, and say "No Snow for you!" As I sit here in my internally climate-controlled workspace, inside from the harsh conditions that lay just outside my window, I can only think of how fortunate I am to endure such a menacing anomaly of a meteorogical nightmare-

The above was accidentally run through the "Local Newsilizer" I apologize for the tragic error. We now return you to your regularly scheduled sarcastic Condon.

A dusting. That's all it took to make our Nation's Capitol shudder, turn, and run for shelter this Monday morning in December. Yes, last night it snowed. But this is kind of snow that makes anyone from the Syracuse, New York area confused. Confused as to whether it actually snowed in DC, or a few people accidentally dropped a few strategically placed sugar bowls and salt shakers, only to have them shatter on the floor and ever so slightly coat the ground with a fine white powder. Granted, I'm not from the Great White North, rather the Above Average, Occasionally White Mid-Atlantic. But I know what a snowstorm is. And this, well, just was not one.

Yes, it's cold today. The Weather Channel is telling me it's 9 degrees out. 9. Single digits are certainly something to be reckoned with. But that's no reason to call for a Regional Freeze on the account of a regional freeze, is it? You see, that's when people are supposed to bundle up, not bail out. And granted, that car can be especially icy in the morning when you are living la vida sin garaje, but do we really need to cancel school? That's right, we cancelled school on account of less than one inch of snow and a 9 degree temperature reading.

If DC was a 5th grader at an elementary school for cities, he'd get beat up by Buffalo on the playground.

You gotta love the reasoning around here. In years past, they've waited until the snow had completely blanketed the region to put salt down on top. That's like making a ham and cheese sandwich, and just slabbing the mayonaise on the outside of the bread because you think you saw someone make sandwiches that way before. This shouldn't even matter, since the roads are as dry as the humor of Kenny Mayne. It's the type of light, granular snow that on a blustery day (such as today) merely blows over the surface the asphalt with not even a glimmering hope of sticking.

Of course, this didn't prevent my neighbor from deicing her car with a frying pan. I love my apartment complex.

Can you imagine the little boys and the little girls of the region running up and down their hallways with glee once they've found out there is no school? They'll rush to the closet to get on all their gear and rush out side to play in the umm...er...well...frosty grass?

Maybe they can build a snowman out of frying pan shavings.