Here Comes the Bribe

One of the nice perks about working in Facilities is the fact that we control the financial state of numnerous area vendors as their fiscal year draws to a close. You see, my department's current annual budget sits in the $55 million range, and once the rent is paid, there's a lot of money out there used to fund building improvements, repairs, maintenance, and miscellaneous expense.

Tangent Alert: I love the category titled "Miscellaneous." It's in every one of my budgets. Traditionally, I use it for any type of repair that I can't classify under any other line item. This turns out to be rather mundane, since I've done a fine job of isolating costs under proper banners, such as "Fire Protection" or "Exterior," so only things that I balk at the invoice ends up here. (ex. "What do you mean, we needed to create an electromagnetic netting over our landscaping pond to deter geese from making it their home? Hmm...well good thinking, Kasmir, that was very miscellaneous of you. Next time, though, buy a frickin' flare gun - cheaper and more fun to use.") But mundane projects aside, just imagine the potential for the line item "Miscellaneous." "What's that? We procured the services of a monkey that makes omelettes in the lobby? Have I got the line item for this expense!" mmm...monkey omelette.

Tangent Alert #2: Monkey Omelette sounds like a great name for a rock band. You know, I've got a list of these somewhere. I think it's the kind of hip indie band that frequents Conan on a regular basis. Hmm...this may be one I have to develop. Yeah, Monkey Omelette.

So anyway, what was I talking about (this is a very Harfordian post, methinks)? Oh, right, cash money facilitaires. Like I said, lots of money to spend on work to be performed by people who don't work for SAIC. Electrical repairs, architectural drawings, hell, full-blown construction of buildings. You name it, we buy it.

Now, there are many vendors trying to make a living by performing on these contracts for large corporations like ourselves, some nationwide, some local family business. Regardless of organizational girth, you gotta think that these vendors would rather hang on to the business they currently hold, rather than try to find new customers -

Tangent Alert #3 - Can you imagine what it would be like for a general contractor to find new customers? Most contractors fill a need; something broke and now someone else needs to fix it. Unless GC's dabble in the game of the clairvoyant, I just can't see how they would go by drumming up new avenues of revenue (ravenue, condensed). Door-to door? Cold calling? "Um, yes, hello, this is Frederick with Frederick's Electric? Do you have anything that needs, erm.., fusing?" Not a likely scenario.

Tangent Alert #4 - Needs fusing? That's the best I can come up with? El Blogger Extraordinaire? That's like the equivalent of the having the star power of Ocean's 12, and referring to the flick in interviews as the "latest Casey Affleck vehicle."

Like I was saying (wow, I've really turned up the Rob knob to 11 today.) keeping your current business is best. And how does one accomplish this task? Doing a efficient job? No. Making sure you are available when something breaks? Uh uh. Keep your invoicing low? Not a chance.

Apparently, you bribe.

As I sit here, two days from vacation in my cube, I am surrounded by gawdy gift baskets of every size and shape, all with the aim of "maintaining status quo." Ah, some fine cheese from Little Diversified Architects. As long as they don't use fine cheese in their construction, we'll stick with them. And over there by the printer, a chocolate sampler from Graybar Electrical Company. I see they've fused chocolate and caramel into a delectable, bite-sized treat. (Why do I keep coming back to the fuse joke. That's not comedic bread and butter, that's not even bread and...horseradish.) But the weirdest bribe of them all comes to us courtesy of AtSite Construction. And Sara, if your out there, cringe with me...now.