Indecent Proposal

"I've got some good news and I've got some bad news..."

And from the YABNews Education Desk, today we bring you this ground-breaking study on how to deal with the nefarious question listed above. Educating our readers is of supreme importance here at You're a Blog, whether it be about the Important of Being Ig to Canadian propaganda. However, while some past topics have been for show, or at least for laughs, the following is no laughing matter. We're just trying to save you from getting Suckerpunched by Doom.

("Suckerpunched by Doom", copyright You're a Blog Incorporated, 2005.)

When someone approaches you with both good news and bad, you may feel optimistic. Don't. Anyone who knows me (and probably even some who only know me through my writing) knows that I'm a textbook optimist. My analysis of a problem contains a healthy dose of the idealistic bright side, and anything that goes wrong is most likely turned into an opportunity for change and for better things to come. It's hard to stop my positive thinking ways. Hell, that glass isn't half empty or half full. It's just water on its way to achieving uncharted heights. So if you see this the blogineer warning you about something because of its perceived unfavorable outcome, I'd grab on to your chair and hang on for dear life. This has got to be trouble. Prepare to get leveled.

"I've got some good news and I've got some bad news..."

Like I said, when you are approached with some good news and some bad news, this is NEVER good. It's being backed into a corner by someone with no interest of providing the clever James Bond escape route from a doomed situation. The reason is this: no matter how good the good news may be, the bad is ALWAYS worse. My theory is that with both good news and bad news, the effect of the bad news will ALWAYS outweigh that of the good. It's all in the delivery

Moving from general to specifics may help. Let's say a guy, we'll call him Skinny Arms, comes into your office while you sit there quietly working (or reading Condon's blog), and says, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news." If he had something to say that would allow you to leave the exchange feeling good, he would have just told you he has some good news. If there was a small drawback to the good feeling, he would mention it in passing, and not give it its own billing alongside the good news. Example:

"Hey Chris, good news! Skinny Arms is here to tell you have won a new car! It's a brand new shiny black convertible! It's got a CD player, GPS system, a DVD player in the headrest, but no cupholders! How excited are you??!?"

You see, there was both good news and bad news there, but the good far outweighed the bad. I mean, man, I sure like me a reliable cupholder, but who cares? I've got a brand new car courtesy of Skinny Arms!

But this is not the case with our little proposal from Skinny Arms standing there in front of your desk, now looking bored while you read this explanation. He said that he has good news and bad news for you. He let you know right out front that there's bad news on the way. Why? Because there's no way that the good news is so good that the bad will not have a major impact. If there was, the bad news would be promoted as the unmentioned undercard to the good news. Here's what happens to the news when both good and bad are put on an equal plane.

"Well Chris, I've got some good news and bad news. Skinny Arms is here to tell you have won a new car! It's a brand new shiny black convertible! It's got a CD player, GPS system, a DVD player in the headrest! But the bad news is it's in the Himalaya Mountains, and to claim it you have to go pick it up in person. How excited are you??!?"

Answer: Not Excited at All. Like a smash Alanis Morrisette song, this scenario leaves you on the edge of feeling good, only to push you off the cliff of false hope. You see, the fact that bad news is coming, you should know better not to get excited about the car in the first place, because the bad news is going to smack you down. It's that big a deal.

Using this premise, no wait, law, as a mindset, let's explore the question that often follows the good news-bad news announcement. "Which would you like first?" There's two options here, door number one and door number two. It's just a shame that you know that behind both doors stands depression.

A. Ask for the good news first. Find out something that seems promising in such a fashion that your day is going to improve. Then, watch that something get followed up with something that makes Coldplay's "Yellow" seem like something the Care Bears would sing.

"Well, Watkins, the good news is that your pay check will have twice the amount of money that you are used to! The bad news is that it's actually your severance package. You're so fired."

B. Ask for the bad news first. Figure that you're going to be slammed anyway, so wouldn't it be nice to end the conversation on a happy note. Problem here is that this good news will NEVER overcome the first bomb that got dropped.

"Listen here, Harris, we're letting you go as of 5 o'clock today. But don't worry about returning your parking pass, that's yours to keep! We're changing the design Monday!"

My choice:
C. Be aware that the bad news will smoke the good news. Run from the conversation screaming. End of story.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!"