Look to the Cookies!

(editor’s note: Condon had three posts this week with titles ending in exclamation points. We promise that it is simply a result of too many post-Christmas candy canes, and we will be returning him to his medication on Monday! Wait, who put that there! No, that should have been a question mark! Damn Condon! I give up…)

In light of Mike Nordblog’s attack on the marketing profession over the past few days, I feel I need to bring to your attention the latest full-scale attack on your dollar-spending senses. This is an organization so finely-tuned and well-versed in the realm of product advertising and promotion that even Nike boss Phil Knight and buys into their product whether he likes it or not. From direct sales to print advertising to clever guerilla tactics, these guys are proficient across the board. Wait a minute, did I say guys? My apologies to the company whose gender composition is 100% female. No, not the Redskins, good readers, it’s the Girl Scouts.

I was accosted at my desk at 9:15 this morning by Lisa (who works over in travel) with pen and order form in hand. Lisa must be on a mission to come at me this early in the day. Ever since I sent her on a scavenger hunt for her life (not really, just sounded cooler) back in July of ’03, she knows not to mess with the Condon. Which means only one thing: she’s on a mission to sell cookies, and nothing, not even my yardstick of doom, will stop her from getting to that goal. Now you see, Lisa is a little old to be a Girl Scout. But apparently she has a niece who fits the age requirements, and has asked Aunt Lisa to bring the form into work to “hit up her coworkers.” So my question to Lisa is, “What kind of dirt does your niece have on you to force you to do this?” (Bargaining note – do not annoy the salesperson if you plan to negotiate for a lower price.)

Typically, Girl Scouts set up shop in front of your local supermarket, and with good purpose. It’s a high traffic area, with a guarantee that you will see each potential customer twice, as they arrive and depart the Safeway. On the way in, a strong marketing presentation will convince the buyer that these cookies are better than any new-fangled Oreo you’ll find in Aisle 14. On the way out, while the buyer counts the 21 dollars he saved by using his Valued Customer card, he can immediately spend that money on boxes of cookies before the realization of cost savings fully sinks in. (That’s 6 boxes, man.) But here’s the thing that allows me to slide under this sweeping arm of the marketing machine: I’m a time management weirdo. I often do my food shopping at 10:30pm on an idle Tuesday. And if there are Girl Scouts trolling the consuming public at that late hour, one of two things must be true. Complete and utter dedication by the sales force, or these cookies have added artificial substances. Mmm…Crack Mints.

But, with Lisa standing here in my office, I know I am not off of the Girls Scout radar. They still found me, despite direct avoidance. Well, I might as well take a good look at the selection, since resistance is futile. Each selection has a picture of the cookie (hopefully not to scale, but sadly probably is.) and a ubercatchy item description. How can you say no?

• Thin Mints – “Extra thin, extra minty” Question – have the Girls been holding out on us. Why the “Extra” all of a sudden?!? Is this their attempt at an extreme cookie line? I demand answers. And 1 box.
  
• Samoas – “Rich and Chewy” Ohhhhhh, they’re rich AND chewy. To be honest, I was on the fence at just rich, but yeah, chewy really tilted the scales.
  
• Trefoils – “Lite and Delicious” – This description is crucial for these shortbread wonders. After all, the name is made up of wood and aluminum. Neither should be a cookie ingredient.
  
• Tagalongs – “Wildly Popular.” – So this is the mainstream choice? Very sneaky, Scouts. Make those who do not prefer peanut butter and cookie crisp engulfed in creamy chocolate the outcasts. Good thing I do. I wouldn’t want to be a freak.
  
• Do-Si-Dos – “Peanutty excitement” – Yeah! It’s like a square dance in your mouth, Yee-Ha!
  
• All Abouts – “Celebrate Girl Scouting” – Since this one needs a picture to make ANY sense whatsoever, it’s a shortbread cookie with the letters “Girl Scouting is all about _______” – The blank has such topical words as “Values” and “Fun.” I want to sneak into their elven factory even more now, just to mess with this line. Some of my suggestions – “Tractor Pulls,” “the Benjamins,” and “Cut-throat Capitalism."

Sign me up for 2 boxes. Sigh.