The Bread Supremacy

Part of the fun of doing the blog is that it puts me in better communication with friends, family, and random websurfers in the Netherlands that I would otherwise have a more difficult time of interacting with on a daily basis. It's a pretty simple system. I write the blog, and if something strikes you as unresolved or not funny, it's everyone else's civic responsibility to post a comment, thereby taking that something and resolving it or making it funny. According to the contemporary websavant scholar, S. Mellor, my prior explanation could have been more interesting had it been this analogy. It's like everyone who reads the blog is at a party. Now you may not get to talk directly to your friends, since there's lots of people at the party, but it's comforting to know that they are there, like seeing them across the room. It's indirect correspondence, courtesy of YAB.

One such frequent commenteer is the Throckmonic herself, Sara. Sara never leaves home without the funny, and has become one of the regular contributors to the the blog. Heck, she's even spun off her own brainchild. Anyways, I single out Sara because she has spawned today's topic.

Two days ago, the girl from Boston let everyone know that she doesn't think Michael Vick wasn't the greatest thing since sliced bread. Regardless of the Eagles' sound thrashing of Atlanta, it really is true. The truth, however, is not from Mr. Vick's inability to change a professional football game with fleet feet and great juking. He has proven on many an occasion, (and frequently against the St. Louis Rams), that he's a supreme game breaker. He does his best to set the bar high. So how is it that Vick doesn't even hold a candle to the commonplace sandwich ingredient we have come to know as sliced bread? It's simple.

Sliced Bread can do it all.

As CNN turned 25 earlier this month, one of the retrospectives they produced was a look back at the 25 greatest inventions and innovations that occurred during the channel's relatively young life. I've looked at the list, and it's well-crafted, well-thought out, and well, none of them are sliced bread. (I don't know who came up with this saying, by the way, but that person must be in MENSA.) (Like me.) (Just kidding.) (Stupid parenthesis.)

Let's break down the Top 9 of CNN's list, shall we? (Quick-hit form, I've got deadlines to meet, people. Otherwise, you'd get 10.)

1. The Internet - Yes, yes, it's got trillions of pages of information, not excluding Divertainment Mogul You're a Blog. And despite all of this information, there is an underwhelming number of sites on sandwich recipes. Sliced bread has recipes on the freakin' bag.
2. Cell Phone - Cell phones easily confuse their users, with complex calling plans in which the user draws from several different categories of minutes, and charges and overages are so complex it takes the aforementioned MENSA guy to figure it out. It is impossible to be confused by sliced bread.
3. Personal Computer - If you put ham between sliced bread, you got yourself a sandwich. If you put ham in the CD-ROM drive of your personal computer, you've got a 4 hour date with Tech Support. Eech.
4. Fiber Optics - I'll give you this, fiber optics have made global communication and information transportation unbelievably quick. But this is nothing new. Fiber has been an integral part of sliced bread for centuries.
5. E-mail - Inferior to sliced bread from a comedy standpoint. Once, just once, I want that stupid AOL Welcome voice guy to ditched the cliched "You've Got Mail" for "You've Got Bread."
6. Commercialized GPS - Ah, yes, the Global Positioning System that has taken American SUV manufacturers by storm. Quite a luxury item, if you ask me. But at what cost? Studies show that SUV's with prominently displayed GPS on the dash are more likely to be broken into. The rate is exponentially lower for SUV's with sliced bread on the dash.
7. Laptops - If sliced bread is exposed to extreme heat, it becomes toast. If laptops are subjected to the same, it becomes a very sophisticated paperweight.
8. CDs/DVDs - Don't get me wrong, I love both of these inventions. But sliced bread has cornered this market. It's taken the technology and utilized it for its own profit goals.
9. Consumer-level Digital Camera - Man, it is nice to be able to take pictures digitally, so that they will be archived forever. But riddle me this - which is easier to stick in a photo album - a computer file made of of bits and bytes, or sliced bread, maybe with a bite taken out of it? Hmm???

Sliced Bread! Rock on!