Battle of the Birds

One of my favorite writers on the net is Bill Simmons, who in ESPN Page 2 circles is known as the Sports Guy. As a tribute to his unceasing intent to bring both sports and the funny, I present to you one of Simmons’ finest literary vehicles, the running diary. It’s no secret that at 3pm on Sunday I’ll be in front of my TV and tuned to Fox, so this is what it would have been for you had you joined me for the NFC Championship Game.

3:00: Well, it looks cold in Philadelphia. Joe Buck has confirmed this by forgoing the classic shirt and tie look to go with the black turtleneck and Fox Sports-issued bright blue ski jacket. Come to think of it, both Troy Aikman and Cris Collinsworth have gone with the same route. Collinsworth historically has given the Eagles little credit in the past, and as he leads the Blue Man Group through the opening segment, you get the sense that unless your name is Michael Vick, you’ll get no respect today. Gotta love Fox.

3:01: National Anthem time. 100 of America’s Finest Military Men and Women. And a freezing cold ten year old. All of his friends are out making snow forts in 14 inches of newly Philly snow, and Timmy Kelly has frozen into a Popsicle on the 50 yard line. Thanks PR Department. Couldn’t we have frozen Ashlee Simpson into an ice pop instead? And shipped her to Abu Dhabi? Jokes aside, nice job, Timmy.

3:05: Jasen and Spud have joined me in this Prayerful Viewing of the NFC Championship Game. One Philly native, born and raised, and the biggest fantasy football psycho I know. It’s good to know that if I come short in this running diary, I’ve got Cynicism and Statistical Rainman on the couch.

3:08: Kick-off.

3:10: Vick just called him first timeout, 1 minute and 17 seconds into the game. Time to head to the sideline. It’s a good thing Donovan’s mom is pacing madly, force feeding the wide Eagles’ wide receivers Chunky Soup. Vick’s mom: Georgia Peach Daiquiris. Edge: Eagles.

3:13: Spud clapped three times in the air for no reason, and now I’m kind of afraid. Does he know something I don’t know? (Dawkins tackles Vick on 3rd Down, Falcons punt)

3:14-3:16: Condon forces the room to clap non-stop in the air for 180 seconds. And who said superstition is dead?

3:22: David Akers, rather than attempting a field goal roughly from Camden, watched idly as Koy Detmer executed a fake field goal pass to Chad Lewis. It may not have worked, but man, Koy looks sharp. (At least as sharp as I’d like for a guy who should never, ever, make his way under center this game. Please?)

3:27: Mike Vick? Ground. Ground? Mike Vick. More introductions like this are very welcome.

3:34: And it’s L.J. Smith across the middle, and he’s tackled at the 5. Unlike last week, no Freddie Mitchell touchdown ensues. Until…

3:35: TOUCHDOWN! LEVENS. Spud just pointed out that this running diary will be a lot funnier if the Eagles start losing. For once, I am willing to sacrifice the funny for a greater cause.

3:45: Jon Rogers has graced us with his presence. Readers, enjoyable sarcastic rhetoric to follow.

3:53: Falcons, after a 4th down conversion and a direct snap are driving on the Eagles. They’re now on the sunny end of the field. And I’m not talking about the endzone fans’ cheery disposition.

3:55: Goal line stands. 1st down? STUFFED. 2nd down? BATTED DOWN? 3rd down? Hollis Thomas turns Vick into a pancake. Sumo wrestlers of the world, vindication. Falcons kick the field foal, while Vick is served with syrup and a side of hash browns. 7-3 Birds.

3:57: It just hit me that both teams are Birds. So much for diversifying my sports writing vocabulary. I’ll keep it simple. For example, Todd Pinkston will only get one nickname: Skinny Arms.

4:07: Donovan McNabb just launched a hope and a prayer to Greg Lewis. He caught both. I have a funny story about Lewis, related to our Madden playing ways, but that’s another blog completely. I’m not just talking another post. Another whole blog entity. YAB2: The Deuce, coming soon…

4:10: TOUCHDOWN. Maybe?

4:11: While the referee reviews Chad Lewis’ twinkle toes reception, we here in Blog Central have been discussing the cinematic merits of Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle. Our resident Statler and Waldorf combination of Andersen and Rogers have given it two thumbs up from the balcony. Hell, Spud just recommended it to whoever he’s talking to on the phone. Seems like the feel good movie of the year.

4:13: TOUCHDOWN. Confirmed. McNabbBirds 14, VickBirds 3.

4:22: TOUCHDOWN. Falcons? Warrick Dunn scoots into the endzone. Not worried yet, but it may be time to resurrect Crazy Mellor’s Clapping Ritual. Green 14, White 10.

4:30: Troy Aikman: “If I’m the Eagles, I don’t punt the football anywhere near Alan Rossum.” Chris Condon: “If I’m the Eagles, I don’t want Troy Aikman anywhere near the Eagles. I like my QBs concussion-free.” Jon Rogers: ‘Punting is for bitches.”

4:43: We’re ten minutes into halftime, and the conversation in the room has gone anywhere but first half football analysis. So far, Spud is going to run for the Apprentice, as the “cutting edge” flirtatious contestant, Jon is intent on running James Earl Jones for public office, as well as his philanthropic vision, Kick Puppies, Kick Cancer,” and Jasen is still getting over a concussion he gave himself shaking his head real hard. Bravo.

4:48: Second half commences with a kickoff to the Eagles. And we’re talking about MTV’s Newlyweds. To make up for this effeminate, grievous act, we’ll be putting up drywall in the fourth quarter.

4:53: After every Westbrook scamper, Brian tosses the football off camera, points out Spud. The NFL has to spend a couple grand every time the Eagles play, since Westbrook insists everyone in the stands goes home with a game-used souvenir.

4:57: FIELD GOAL. Close, but no TD for the Eagles. But at least Nike has taken my mind off of it by showing us the weirdest commercial since those stupid bears who use their toilet paper by the tree. Eww.

5:05: I don’t know if anyone has told Falcons Punter Chris Mohr, but it’s a little windy at the Linc. Oh, and that punting is for bitches.

5:09: Jon just went to the bathroom, and it’s not until he reads this blog tomorrow morning that we have replaced his ice cold Coors Light with a lukewarm lemon-lime Fanta. Let’s watch and see if he notices. (Insert maniacal laugh here…)

5:15: Reception Count: Brian Dawkins 1, Peerless Price 0. If Vick’s feet are so magical, he better start throwing with them. Wounded duck, away!

5:19: FIELD GOAL. Little by little, let’s get our hopes up. And little by little, extra prayer is required to sustain said hopes. Motownphilly 20, Hotlanta 10.

5:33: Okay, update time. End around play to Greg Lewis (S.M., for those in the know.) What the Eagles need now is a long punishing, time consuming drive. Or cheesesteaks. Wait, maybe that’s me. Atlanta’s defense has been playing well, you know, just to twist the knife a little. Eagles are going to punt with 11:40 left. Love it, guys. At this point, most likely, Joe Buck at any moment will take the Red Sox Curse angle to his broadcasting. Or at least let Leon take it from here.

5:49: 6 minutes and counting. Lead is 10 points and rising. (McNabb with a first down dash.) Hope is high and flying. And from Jon: “So how are they going to screw this up in 5 minutes?” Thanks, pal.

5:52: TOUCHDOWN. Chad Lewis, many blessings will be given to you upon your entrance to Heaven. 27-10 Green Sox.

5:54: Thanks for the FOX Pregame Crew, I never, EVER, want to watch American Idol again. Wow.

5:56: McNabb just hugged Skinny Arms. Broke him in two. Oh well, we get T.O. for the next one.

6:00: Vick drops back and releases the ball – straight in the ground. That was the best impression of the Falcons’ punter I’ve ever seen. 2 minute warning.

6:05: Eagles ball, as Vick throws the ball into South Jersey. Is there any way we can screw up the kneeling of the ball? Eh, who cares, it’s Gatorade watch time.

6:08: And at 58 seconds left in the NFC Championship, Gatorade has been deployed.

See you all in the Super Bowl.

E-A-G-L-E-S Eagles!