Cat on a Blog Tin Roof

Thank you, Washington Post.

Over the weekend, when you could have put a picture of anything you wanted on the front page of your Sunday paper, from Condoleeza Rice to the Super Bowl to the Pope, but NO, you decided to get all "warm and fuzzy" on me. Now normally, that'd be okay for two reasons. First, the world today could definitely use some more warm and fuzzy, and secondly, what the WP chooses to run on the front page doesn't normally affect me as I am not a subscriber. However, the stars aligned a few days ago and while sitting and relaxing at the Casa de Pretz, good old Page A1 was sitting there on the table before me. Katie was also quick to notice the headline and accompanying graphic. And as a result, it has become alarmingly clear what will be our first major disagreement upon marriage this coming August:

Can we get a cheetah?

Yep, you read that right. This is the debate I will be forced to engage in, courtesy of the Washington Post. Up until this point, I was pretty indifferent on the Post as a daily periodical. The news reporting is standard, it does a nice job with its restaurant review coverage, and movie critic Stephen Hunter has an unfortunate taste in movies. (He hates them.) Now the Post's online version didn't have the picture I need, so for your reference, please take a look at this link to CNN's coverage.

Go ahead, I'll wait.

If you're too busy (which is probably untrue if you visit YAB) to read the article, there's not much else you need to know than the National Zoo in Washington now has their very first litter of baby cheetahs. Oh, you also need to know that Katie wants one. As a pet. 'Cause they're cute. And when it comes to evaluating on whether or not to have a baby cheetah as a domesticated animal, I am finding it's really, really hard to argue with "But they're so cute!" How do you defend against that? You know they're so cute, you've seen the picture yourself. Regardless of what logical points you can make on this issue, they're still going to be so cute. Which is exactly why I know this is going to be much bigger than Toaster vs. Toaster Oven.

But unless I want a giant desert cat waiting for me when I get home from work a year from now, I'm going to have to try and out up a fight (with Katie. Not the cheetah.) Here are the reasons I've come up with not have one of the Zoo's new baby cheetahs as a pet.

Number 1 - Snuggling Issue. The article says that baby cheetahs like to snuggle. Since neither Katie nor I may be up for such a task, the only way to get around this is to get two baby cheetahs. Yes, I know, twice as cute, whatever. But having two baby cheetahs will be even crazier.

Number 2 - Baby Cheetah Speed issue. Baby cheetahs, while only three months old, can already run 30-40 miles per hour. That's fine, I guess, except when you couple it with the fact that at three months old, they haven't prefected the skill of stopping. This doesn't bode well for many things in our future residence, namely anything that doesn't float in mid-air. (Of course, as a Mighty Ducks 2 homage, I would get to name the cheetah Mendoza. No brakes, coach!)

Number 3 - Feeding the Baby Cheetah Issue. A cheetah is like any other cat, so I'm guessing that we need to have a ready supply of milk on hand. And since neither of us are big milk drinkers, this would be one more thing to remember to get at the grocery store. Forgetting to pick up some more Kleenex is one thing. Forgetting to pick up a drink for your personal mountain feline is another. Also, I've have seen on television that cheetahs like to eat Cheetos. Chester told me, and he seems like a reputable source. Can we really deal with that orange powdered cheese getting everywhere? No way.

Number 4 - Growing Up Issue. This really should be the nail in the coffin to this entire debate. A baby cheetah will not be a baby forever. He'll grow out of that adorable picture-perfect appearance that graces the Post, and after a year or so, he'll be nearly full-grown. That will leave us with one giant, not so cute, mean cheetah. Oh, not to mention once the baby fuzz is gone, he won't match any of the rest of the decor. Animal prints? Yikes. So, like I said, this should end the conversation right here and now.

But they're so cute.

Yep, not winning this one.