WYAB in Cincinnati

Morning radio is dead.

The last few days I have really had a hard time finding a morning talk show program that can hold my interest from Random Run Lane all the way to SAIC Drive. Shows are either too offensive or too bland, leaving this commuter in need of something to hold my interest. Because if radio can't keep my mind off the fact I am driving to a place where I sit at a desk for nine hours, I'm increasingly tempted to veer off the beaten path and do something completely unexpected and renegade-like. Like steal baby cheetahs.

WTOP is also the local newsradio station in the DC area. It follows that standard newsradio format, where at certain times in the hour you can count on certain kinds of news. And WTOP does a solid job of keeping the local commuting herd at bay, preventing them from smashing their cars into the next in line. But it's good, and not great. I don't think that the constant chatter they provide can contain the Condon. If there were only another newsradio station on the dial. Enter WYAB.

WYAB isn't your father's talk radio. It's exactly the type of programming that Station Manager Chris Condon would have if, well, Chris Condon were its station manager. Having listened to enough of WTOP (and KYW 1060 for you Philly folks), Condon has this scheduling format down. All things interesting to him, all the time. Heck, in time, we'll even develop a catchy station identification jingle. But in the meantime, here's what you can expect in a half-hour block of WYAB listening enjoyment.

(listed by minutes, this schedule loops on the half hour)

:01-:02 - Domestic News - Seems like a good way to kick off the hour. Lets you know about what's going on in DC Politics, as well as any other issues de force that could become water cooler topics. Proposed Correspondent: Kermit the Frog.

:03-:04 - Trivaways - The one good reason to listen to the FM station's morning shows is that they give concert tickets away for answering trivia. My station will adopt this promotion, but only using concerts I would like to see (Guster, BNL) and trivia questions only I know the answer to ("What was the name we gave to my Nintendo 64?")

:05 - Super Market Report - Lets me know what in my kitchen I am running out of, so that I don't have an excuse to go food shopping later in the day. Thanks to WYAB, I'll know when we're out of pickles.

:06-:07 - Movie Review Corner - Courtesy of The Film Critic, 2 minutes of random reviews from Chris Smith's well-run website. I don't necessarily want the best reviews, just the funniest: "I just watched Zoolander with Owen Wilson and Ben Stiller. They both agreed it sucked."

:08 - Laundry Report - Just like a how Wall Street is reported, I want to know what my current level of dress shirts, running shorts, and pairs of socks is, so that I know whether or not to plan to do laundry that night. Will also remind me if I left clothes in the dryer. Again.

:09-:10 - Traffic and Weather - Simple rationale here. The most crucial part of the broadcast, WTOP has their traffic and weather together on the 8's. And since I always miss their report by 60 seconds, I'm bumping my broadcast back by precisely that amount.

:11-:12 - World News - This is the international side of the news. I want to know what's going on beyond our borders, and I want to be quizzed on country capital cities. Proposed Correspondent - Sam Eagle.

:13-14 - YAB Archives - In a brilliant stroke of cross-promotion, two minutes of every half-hour will be devoted to the reading of past You're a Blog posts. A great timewaster. But never a waste of time.

:15 - The Best of Buys - Business section of the broadcast. Ok, not really. Just a listing of what DVDs are on sale at BestBuy today. Mmm...commerce.

:16 - HW Report - When I get home at the end of day, I'm sure I have homework I need to be doing for class. But I never can quite remember what exactly that is. Therefore, I can either try and dig up that misplaced syllabus, or I can let YABNewsRadio just tell me.

:17-:18 - The Locker Room - Finally, sports! Well, not real sports. This 120 seconds is reserved for full-scale coverage of all of Spud and my exploits in the EA Sporting World. Game recaps, interviews with our players, and scouting reports on whatever sorry team the Redskins have to pit against our PS2 Eagles. This is how sports should be done.

:19-20 - Traffic and Weather - Because you never know what storm fronts could change in a span of ten minutes.

:21-22 - YABNews - From groundbreaking stories on angry temple monkeys to other global oddities, YABNews Correspondent Mattias Caro brings you the weirder side of the news.

:23-24 - Accentuating - In-house funnyman Spud Mellor reads random pieces of literature in funny accents. Ever heard IHOP's breakfast menu read by the vice of Conan the Barbarian? Tune in.

:25 - It's a Gas - A Review of local gas prices along your traveling route. I'm sure there's some GPS technology that needs to be invested in here, but hey, I'm not the engineer, just the station manager.

:26-:28 - Parody Time - A three minute block devoting to playing the greatest hits of Lyric Intensive, the greatest parody band to ever, um, live in Monroe Hall?

:29-30 - Traffic and Weather - Vital stuff, people. Hey, I've even got the catchy catchphrase: Traffic and Weather aligned on the nines. Genius.