Culinary Reprieve

“Acorns were good till bread was found.” - Sir Francis Bacon

Friends, Roman, Blogreaders, lend me your cheers. For we here in the Falls Church metropolitan area have reason to celebrate! For too long we have subjected ourselves to the acorns of the supermarket world. Sure, they served good purpose, but at what cost, I beg you! Deli sections that close at 8pm?? Meat specials that are gone faster that you can say "Skinless boneless chicken"? Dimly lit and overstocked no longer, good citizens!

Thank you Safeway, thank you Giant. You've been lovely guests at the Hotel Foodshop, but I'm afraid your time is past, your bags have been packed, so collect your things and go. We have chosen not to extend your reservation any longer. There's a new guy in town, and we're taking our business to him. He's the bread, not the acorn. His name:

Wegmans.

That's right, even here in tiny ole' Fairfax, Virginia, we too can enjoy grocery shopping located just past the cutting edge. This is Corporate Expansionism that we can embrace! I've sampled the other offerings of the region, and in a candleholding contest, not one of them can, well, hold a candle to the SuperMarket Experience we are about to enjoy.

Giant disappoints by having a poorly managed location near my apartment, despite being an overall above average company. Safeway is still building their new and improved store down Lee Highway, so I am currently left with the old-school model which isn't cutting it. Virginia is also home to Ukrop's, which would be fine except for that whole "We're closed on Sundays" mantra, Kroger, whose generic brand is 'Crackin' Good' (my favorite - Crackin' Good Toaster Pastries), makes things so wordy you panic (they're Pop Tarts, you fools!), and Shoppers Food Warehouse, which puts the gross in grocery shopping. Just listen to the different features that this upstate-NY company will offer (and just for fun, pick out the feature Condon made up...)

• Coin Redemption Self Service - Sure, my Safeway has this Coinstar, but out of the last 20 times I've tried to use it, it's been out of order 19.
• Sweet Images Personalized Cakes - Personalized! That's genius. I'm ready to place my order now. I would like my cake to say "You're a Blog Lets Them Eat Cake" and also sing the Oscar nominees for Best Song.
• Cooking Classes - I would love to teach the world my secrets behind Condonents and Captain Lucky Pops. I wonder if they are done hiring...
• Robot Shoppers - Real robots you can program to do all of the following: complete your grocery list, sneak that frozen cheesecake into the cart that you feel guilty about buying, and load your vehicle.
• Complements - I love what you've done with that shopping cart.
• Nature's Marketplace - Ever want to know what Mother Nature would buy at a grocery store? Now you can. Probably everything is organic, and nothing ends in '-oritos.'

I'm sure I'm not highlighting the best features of the best supermarket there ever was, but I guess you'll have to just come and check it out yourself. And tell them Chris sent you. And they'll look at you funny.