Oom-Pa-Dee-Do!

Snow days mean several things in the DC area. Schools are closed. Universities are closed. Condon still has work. Snow Removal teams make a pretty penny for doing next to nothing. Local residents take their logic and common sense, throw it up into the snowy sky, and run away from it screaming like a warped game of "Baby in the Air." (Actually isn't the name of that game just warped as is? What were we taught as kids, anyway?!?)

Speaking of kids, that's another thing that the threat of icy precipitation brings. My office is covered with them. You see, moms and dads who couldn't afford to take the day off (like their children) were left with no other option than a "Bring Your Kid to Work" Day. At last count, I think I've seen about 4 different boys and girls, between the ages of 7 and 10, walk by my cube at one point or another. And since teachers don't really expect their students to do homework on a snow day, these kids have pretty much free reign on their time management for the day. Unfortunately, since what lies beyong the doors of our office building is a very busy Leesburg Pike, it's unlikely that tobogganing is in their near future. Does anyone else see the potential in this untapped resource? No? That's right, it's "Put Your Kid to Work" Day.

Okay, before we assign any tasks, we need to find a clever way to get around those pesky child labor laws that keep getting in the way of productivity. Here's my idea - make your little employees think it's all part of a big game. When you're playing a game, you don't realize that you are actually doing work. So I'll need to create some sort of scoring system, incentive package, and in order to foster the competitive spirit, uniforms.

Okay, let's get uniforms out of the way, since it's the easiest. In lieu of highlighting other people's children, we'll affix different color Post-It notes to their backs, complete with last names and jersey numbers of their choosing. (As a kid, I LOVED personalized jerseys. Just like the pros, my man.) So let's see, it looks like we're going to have a pale yellow team and a sky blue team. (Sorry, it's all I've got on such short notice.)

As for the incentive package, we'll base our rewards system on the finest prizes the lobby shop downstairs has to offer. To the day's winners: Nestle Crunch bars. To the day's losers: Saltine Crackers. (Definitely pays to win in this game. By "pays," this does not by any means infer compensation for services provided. That would be the definition of labor, and since these are children, that would be child labor, which is EXACTLY what this is not. Phew, close one. Regards, Dr. Spin M.D.)

The scoring system is a judging scale, much like the way the X Games is scored. Panelists will hold up large cards with integers on them that draw applause or ire from the crowd (by Panelists, I mean Condon, and by crowd, I mean, well, Condon...no one else is here.) The kiddos will be scored, like in figure skating, on Technical Merit and Artistic Impression. The former makes sure the job gets done right. The latter makes sure it gets done, but with style.

Oh, right, worktasks - I mean EVENTS - will include things that short people can do better than me - restock the Xerox machine, trace IT wires underneath desks, file invoice copies in the bottom file cabinet, run things to the mailroom, etc. I know what you're thinking. What does height have to do with running things to the mailroom? Answer: Nothing. I just hate doing it. (It's COLD in the basement.)

"Oom-pa Loom-pa, oom-pa-dee-do.
I got a brand new "Put-to-work" crew.
Oom-pa Loom-pa, oom-pa-dee-dee.
If you pay candy, the wages are free.

What do you get when they cancel your class?
More than just pressing your face to the glass!
We've got a little game you can play,
Where you can file and work. all. day!

(Just don't tell the government.)

Oom-pa Loom-pa, oom-pa-dee-do.
We've got some brand new games just for you.
Oom-pa Loom-pa, oom-pa-dee-dee.
If you are bored, listen to C.C."