Icebreakers, Part Two

STOP! DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU READ ICEBREAKERS, PART ONE. IF YOU READ THIS FIRST, THEY WILL CANCEL THE NHL SEASON.

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ALRIGHT, WHO’S THE GUILTY PARTY?

Pittsburgh Penguins – Now this isn’t meant to be a knock on the city of Pittsburgh, but when it comes to fancy restaurants and luxury hotels, well, let’s just say there are fewer than there are Pirates fans. Since penguins always dress the part, these tuxedo outfitted guys can be seen flocking east to New York, to serve as the finest maitre’ Ds and concierges the Big Apple has to offer.

Boston Bruins – Yeah, they’re Bruin, alright. As a direct competitor to Sam Adams, producer of Beantown’s finest ales and lagers, the Boston Bru-ery will contain a selection of microbrews perfected by the Bruins themselves. New beers include PJ Ale-xelson, and Gonchar Genuine Draft.

Washington Capitals – WASHINGTON CAPS, the latest shopping mall fixture, is a new all-encompassing hat store run by DC’s local pucksters. Large manager salaries are non-existent, since the highest paid players (cough Jagr cough) have been booted out of town. Add that to a young employee roster that have dynamic marketing ideas (Buy a hat or Brendan Witt will punch you in the face); this franchise should be coming to a mall near you.

Montreal Canadiens – Little know fact: Canadiens, when rearranged, can form the words SEA DANCIN’, with an extra apostrophe thrown in there. Les Habitants are running with this idea, serving as entertainment and social cruise directors for all of Norwegian Cruise Line’s fleet. In exchange, all the best players from Norway promise to not only take cruises, but enter Montreal’s farm system when this lockout is over.

Philadelphia Flyers – It’s no news that the airline industry is not what it used to be. Former giants such as Delta and US Air are forced to slash their fares in order to avoid going the way of bankruptcy. Why is this? Simple, it’s all the low-cost airlines like Independence and JetBlue, whose rates are undercutting the biggies' profit margin. The Flyers look to jump into this market with its own low-cost carrier, Flyair, where the kiddies can come up in-flight to visit the pilots in the Hitchcockpit.

New York Rangers – NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg has had his hands full post 9-11 keeping the streets of the Big Apple safe. Sure, the salaries aren’t the greatest for local law enforcement, but a police officer in the city can serve with pride. Swallowing their own, the New York Rangers have agreed to increase the city’s force by approximately 24, and they trade in their sticks and skates for guns and badges.

Atlanta Thrashers – It’s no secret that the Atlanta Hawks are a terrible basketball team. However, that’s not the only one of Ted Turner’s problems. In a move of divide and conquer, all forwards, including Dany Heatley, will replace the Hawks on the hardwood effective immediately, to turn them into a scoring powerhouse. The defensemen and goalies will join the Adult Swim team over at the Cartoon Network, doing promos for the Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

Carolina Hurricanes – Hurricanes are just one of the many signature drinks that you can get at Brindy’s, the latest bar on the North Carolina scene. Rod Brind’Amour, yes, the guy with the crooked nose, has put his teammates to work as hockey fans drink their sorrows away. And on Brindy’s main stage, Jeff O’Neill and the Zambonis.

Tampa Bay Lightning – Fresh off their championship run, the ‘Ning will be bringing the Stanley Cup back to Broadway (since the Rangers have no intention of doing so anytime soon.) You see, Grease the musical spawned the movie Grease, which spawned the sequel Grease 2. However, Grease 2 never made its way back to the stage…until now. Purchase your tickets now for Greased Lightning, starring Nikolai Khabibhulin as Danny. (Both have an excellent command on the English language, I hear.)

Buffalo Sabres – Due to a fast approaching wedding, Condon is not afraid to admit that he has become very well-informed in the different vendor services you can have for your special day. Well, the Sabres have decided, due to this prolonged lockout, to jump into this growing industry. Brides, have you ever wanted to walk out of the church beneath a tunnel of swords in the air? Hire the Sabres! (Note: don’t worry about the players catching your bouquet. Their goalie hasn’t stopped anything in years.)

Florida Panthers – How did the Carolina Panthers go to the Super Bowl one year, and miss the playoffs the next?!? They had the talent and the coaching. Maybe they didn’t have the tools. Ok, Purchasing, put out a requisition order for a new set of tackling dummies, for delivery next August. What’s that, Purchasing? There’s a full set for sale in Miami? Hmm…very interesting.

New York Islanders – Jeff Probst is always thinking. Survivor’s last season, set in Vanuatu, didn’t exactly have the excitement that was vintage in prior seasons. Once this current season in Palau concludes, Jeff and the New York Islanders will be heading to a tiny island off of Greenland for Survivor: Puckington. My fearless prediction: Rick DiPietro is able to stay warm in his goalie gear, and wins the whole shebang.

Toronto Maple Leafs – I have a feeling these guys are going to become retailer extraordinaires. Led by team captains Domi and Sundin, go to www.MapleLeafs.com to buy some limited edition of Tie’s Ties, or maybe Mats’ Mats. Also, a sales pitch to the men of Canada. Are you tired of getting your breakfast syrup from a woman? Don’t feel that you’re viewed as touch when you need to rely on Aunt Jemima and Mrs. Butterworth? Try Toronto MapleSyrup, from the team that brings you annual playoff letdown!

Ottawa Senators – These guys are born politicians. As tensions flare in the Capitol Building, Congress is holding closer to party lines then ever. Debates are growing more tiresome, as traditionally stalwart senators are having trouble mustering the energy. (stupid cold weather.) As of today, either the Republican or the Democratic Party may call on the professional filibusters, the Sens. In order to stall a vote, order a Radek Bonk special. Watch him put a cooking pot on his head and run into the podium repeatedly. (Note: Offer not valid in debates involving the deportation of Gary Bettman.)

New Jersey Devils – See you in Hell.