Icebreakers, Part One

Well, I guess it's time to write a serious blog about the downfall of the National Hockey League. I was asked for exactly this sometime back in September and responded in typical YAB fashion - mocking with a zest of funny. It seems we can't keep a straight face when it comes to typing on the current events of the world. You know, it's the kind of feeling when on the outside it looks like you're running a legitimate operation, when on the inside, everyone's in on the joke that no one should take your antics seriously. Yep, you can call me Grammy.

So, despite all of the collective bragaining, owners' meetings, and Condoptimism, it looks like it's time to throw in the towel on the 2004-2005 NHL season. If the season were to be compared to a game of pond hockey, this is essentially what would transpire. It's like everyone threw their sticks into a pile in the middle of the ice, and then rather that someone, let's say the schedule maker, dividing them up and getting the game underway, the ice cracks from below, and every last stick is lost to the deep. It looks like we're just going to have to wait until it all melts and refreezes next summer.

While hockey bloggers like myself may have enough material in other areas to carry over while this lockout takes its course, the players of the NHL may not necessarily be able to afford such a luxury. As millionaires, there may be many other luxuries they are able to afford - from fancy cars to lavish vacations - at least for a while. At some point, the savings will start to run short, and other arrangements will have to be made. And as usual, leave YAB to come to the players' rescue. So, thanks to some investigative work and recent reviewing of some job applications at Monster.com. here's what you can expect your hometown hockey team to be doing to kill the time until next puck drop. And unlike the sun, let's start in the West.

Anaheim Mighty Ducks – In a bold philanthropic move, this team has organized a 7 city tour, where ice hockey is being played for a good cause. The combatants: the Mighty Ducks of the NHL vs. the Mighty Ducks of the silver screen. That’s right, Joshua Jackson and co. are back for the sake of Anaheim’s homeless. Wait. The NHL Ducks are passing it off as charity work, but I’d like to see if by “helping the needy” they’re just lining their own pockets, considering they have no other source of income.

Los Angeles Kings – Ok, fine guys, have it your way. Actually, Have It Your Way isn’t that bad of an idea. Rather than sitting around waiting for the lockout to unlock, the Kings have filled out a joint application at the local fast food joint for some interim employment. And what’s more fitting an employer for these monarchs? Ah, yes, Burger King.

Detroit Red Wings – Red Wings, as a brand, now will mean much, much more than the reigning rulers of Hockeytown, USA. Coming soon to your grocer’s freezer, you can get Red Wings of your very own. Hot, spicy cuts of chicken, in wing form only, will be a great appetizer at your next party of gather. They’re fan tested, Brendan Shanahan approved.

Nashville Predators – You know somebody had to been petitioning God while the NHL and Players Union went stubborn. Nashville players, finding solace in the Holy Spirit, have hit the road in the name of Christianity, evangelizing to hockey fans with an emptiness in their lives. The name of the motivational speaking tour: “Predator and Pray.”

Phoenix Coyotes – Brett Hull and company don’t have a whole lot of options to keep cool now in the Arizona heat. However, there’s no need to worry. The Coyotes’ “Hooked on Phoenix” program will allow the players to stay within the confines of the local elementary schools, tutoring the future Brian Bouchers of the world in spelling and grammar.

San Jose Sharks – With the teal and white sweaters shelved for an indefinite period of time, the Sharks are benefiting from all that discretionary income they’ve enjoyed and have gone the route of venture capitalism. Card Sharks, their grand hotel and casino, which features a lobby floor entirely covered in ice, will hit the Vegas strip in the coming weeks.

St. Louis Blues – Every time I turn on ESPN these days, it seems as if they’re doing a featurette on some athlete who moonlights on stage with an instrument. Moonlighting no more, the St. Louis Blues have formed their own band alongside B.B. King. Tonight’s feature performer: Chris Pronger on the harmonica.

Edmonton Oilers – Face it, longtime celebrity hockey fan Dennis Leary may have finally found success on TV with his FX comedy-drama Rescue Me. As a result, Leary, who’s torn up about not seeing his Bruins hit the ice this year, feels he has outgrown doing product promotion. This leaves Quaker State motor oil with an opening for pitchman. Looks like they have a choice of 24 Oilers to fill the spot.

Minnesota Wild – And on next week’s “Wild on E!”, Marian Gaborik and Manny Fernandez take you on a tour of the French Riviera, its beautiful beaches and scorching hotspots. Guest reporter Andrew Brunette will take you to try the local cuisine. Mmm…French Fries.

Colorado Avalanche – I believe that YAB has well-documented the plight of your Nation’s Capital whenever a dusting of snow comes creaking our way. Since we spend most of our municipal budget on, you know, having armed hummers stationed on our highways, little has been left for paying the guys who clear our roads during snow storms. Enter the Avalanche – Snow Removal Professionals. “Your Roads Cleared Faster than You Can Say Steve Konowalchuk.

Calgary Flames – The Flames, looking to branch out after losing the Stanley Cup (which seems like ages ago, mind you) will hit Hollywood looking for new work. Despite the expressive face of Jarome Iginla (?!?), we’re not talking about acting. The Flames will be behind the pyrotechnics of all this summer’s big blockbusters. Got a light?

Columbus Blue Jackets – Expansion Columbus looks to expand this fall – into some new autumn fashions! Come on in to Marc Denis’ Big and Tall, where men’s apparel for only the distinguished gentleman shops. Blue Jackets, made only out of the finest fabrics and colors (well, actually, just blue), will let you be the talk of the town, whether out in the club, at the office, or with that special someone. Comes with the highly-sought Rick Nash Guarantee.

Vancouver Canucks – Due to legal proceedings, the Vancouver Canucks are not eligible for Lockout-Jobs, as all will be serving jury duty in the criminal case for defendant/left wing Todd Bertuzzi. Since YABNews has not gained a press pass to the proceedings, we cannot comment further.

Chicago Blackhawks – Just like Stan Mikita (as featured in Wayne’s World), the Blackhawks plan to spread out to all four corners of the United States, opening up donut shops of their very own. If the lockout ever does come to an end, it is likely, if these franchises are successful, that the Blackhawks will not return. They’re that bad.

Dallas Stars – As long as cable has been around, couch potatoes everywhere have watched their movies courtesy of the pay movie channels, such as HBO and Showtime. However, with people (read: Chris Smith) just buying their movies on DVD these days, these channels must do something to keep their competitive edge. Minor market player Starz, as a result, have signed a promotional deal with the Dallas hockey team. Yes, now you too can watch Modano and Kumar Go to White Castle.

Part 2, later today.