Intergalactic Screenwriting

Unless you’ve been living under a space rock on Tatooine, you should be very aware of the Star Wars saga charging back into theaters this past week. I, for one, have yet to see it, but plan to do so in the near future. Without raising the bar to unreachable expectation, I am looking forward to a movie that should reveal the origin of one of the best cinematic villains ever created. Heck, I won’t even be disappointed is Jar Jar Binks doesn’t get slain by an errant lightsaber swing. It should be a good show, and I’m ready.

Part of my Monday morning routine is to check the box office totals of the weekend, and read seemingly endless lists of articles how the box office has been slumping in 2005. It’s been twelve weeks in a row since a weekend bested its comparable rival from 2004. Call it what you will. From other entertainment options to a lower quality of flicks to way too much Ashton Kutcher, all of the theories have been, well, theorized. What this year in film needs in the summer blockbuster to sweep in and rescue its fledgling ways.

Enter George Lucas.

It’s a YAB guarantee that the slump will end with Episode III hitting the silver screen. In Wednesday midnight showings alone, it took in a cool $16 million. I’m estimating an opening weekend of 136.3 million, but that’s just me. (I used the Force, btw).

Hollywood is simply salivating at the returns they expect to see from the latest in Lucas’ space opera. This has some serious potential. Being the savvy Hollywood producers that they are, in order to prolong this hot weekend into a hot streak, they put a call into Mr. Lucas. Here’s the transcript.
Producers: “Hi Mr. Lucas. Do you like money?”
Lucas: “Why yes, I love money!”
Producers: “Well have we got just the plan for you!”
Lucas: “Do tell!”

In order to stretch the profitability of the movie business, Lucas struck a deal with all of the studios to launch the Post-Production Film Initiative. The Skywalker Ranch, for four straight days, have been granted permission to insert Star Wars characters into the plot lines of every single big movie that will come out this summer. More times than not, hilarity will ensue. Since I put the Connect in Connect Four, I’ve pulled some strings to bring you people the inside scoop on the summer movies of 2005. Enjoy.
5/27 – The Longest Yard - While they both serve time at the same prison, pro quarterback Paul Crewe and former college coach Nate Scarboro are tasked with forming a team to play against the guards. The cornerstone of their defensive pass rush is defensive end Chewbacca, who’s serving time for Grand Theft Tie-Fighter.

5/27 – Madagascar - At New York's Central Park Zoo, a lion, a zebra, an Ewok, and a Stormtrooper are best friends and stars of the show. But when the Ewok goes missing from his cage, the other three break free to look for him, only to find themselves reunited ... on the Millennium Falcon en route to the planet of Madagascar.

6/3 – Cinderella Man - The story of Depression-era fighter and folk hero Jim Braddock, who defeats heavyweight champ Jabba the Hut in a 15-round slugfest in 1935. The bout takes all 15 rounds because the referee cannot discern when a Hut is knocked off his feet, due to a lack of them.

6/10 – Mr. and Mrs. Smith - When John and Jane Smith discover that they both lead double lives as assassins -- and that they have just been hired to kill one another -- the once-bored couple catch a spark. Comic relief is provided by Mr. Smith’s wise-cracking partner Boba Fett, who keeps insisting that this is just like what happened with Greedo and his wife.

6/17 – Batman Begins - A revelation of the origin of Batman, and his emergence as a crusader against evil in Gotham City. Since this is a prequel, it must pass the Prequel Rite of Passage: inserting Jar Jar Binks into the script and pray the whole thing doesn’t implode.

6/17 – The Perfect Man - Reeling from her recent divorce, Jean Hamilton moves to Tucson, Arizona, with her daughters Zoe and Holly, played by Hillary Duff, who secretly plan to find their mother a new guy. The part of Hillary Duff will be played by Mace Windu.

6/24 – Bewitched - In the updated version of the TV series "Bewitched," lead actor Jack Wyatt unknowingly recruits a real-life Sith lord, Darth Maul, as his counterpart. Hilarity ensues.

7/1 – War of the Worlds - As Earth is invaded by Martian war machines, one family fights for survival. It’s a family of Tusken Raiders. Hilarity ensues some more.

7/8 – Fantastic Four - A group of astronauts gain superpowers after a cosmic radiation exposure and must use them to oppose the plans of their enemy, Doctor Doom. An all-star ensemble quartet includes R2-D2, Lando Calrissian, Aunt Beru, and a Jawa.

7/15 – Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Young Charlie Bucket wins the chance to tour the most magnificent chocolate factory in the world and meet the man behind it all, the eccentric Willy Wonka. At the end a magical glass elevator containing Charlie and Wonka blasts off and makes the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs.

7/22 – The Island – A man (Ewan McGregor) who discovers that he is actually a "harvested being" looks to escape from the utopian facility where he and others are kept. His only ally is a woman (Johansson) who's pregnant with her "sponsor's" child. Obi-Wan Kenobi runs the facility and creates a serious identity crisis for the man.

8/5 – The Pink Panther - Inspector Jacques Clouseau (Martin) is tasked by the duplicitous Chief Inspector Dreyfus (Kline) to solve the murder of a famous protocol droid and the disappearance of the construction plans for a new Death Star.

See you at the movies.