Dihydrogen Oxide

Call me a dreamer, but…

When You’re a Blog’s editor-in-chief gets his act together and catches our little backdating problem up with the rest of the working world, the blog will be able to truly compete for your ocular attention. And once that happens, the next logical step is that some up-start entrepreneur with a Money Bin and extra cash-on-hand buys YAB out and the site gets some much-needed corporate sponsorship. Once we go corporate, the first thing I’m going to buy is a Headquarters.

YAB HQ will have the finest fringe benefits that (Insert Giant Media Conglomerate)’s financial backing can buy. The writers’ chairs will be leather recliners. The writers’ desk will be made of peppermint. And the staff kitchens? You guessed it. Not a coffee machine in sight.

Heh, heh, heh…

No, YAB HQ will only provide free beverage refreshment in the form of the glorious water cooler. Now this isn’t a cheap-o move; it’s a move of preference. And while (same Giant Media Conglomerate) can save a bundle by denying my staff Starbucks, they will take some of that savings and invest in a personal water carrying device for every employee. Now why is this such a big deal, you ask? Easy.

Current water containers are atrocious.

While most office kitchens are found in coffee-dominated terrain, it is likely that the room also maintains a water cooler for those who like cold liquid or have wizened up to Juan Valdez’s wily ways. That’s good news for me, who drinks about 160 ounces of H-2-O on a daily basis. That’s a lot of liquid to take in one day, so much to the point that on the weekend I feel dehydrated. But for such a massive intake, I’ve needed to improvise. Because standard kitchen options for “Things to Drink Water Out Of” are so ill-conceived and prehistoric that I’ve decided to reveal them for the petty inventions that they are right here. A sampling are picked up and tossed out below.

Exhibit A – “Plastic Cup” – The plastic cup, by nature, should be a pretty good match for the water cooler. The material is thin so that you can feel the coldness of water inside. Lip on the cup is also narrow, which plays a crucial role in water intake. Its durability can also go unquestioned, as it should withstand one day’s worth of wear and tear in an office environment. But despite what Yoda says, size matters. Any time I’ve seen plastic cups stocked at the cooler, they are of the shot glass variety. Each cup has about 5 ounces of water in it, and that’s gone by the time I reach my desk again.

Exhibit B – “Conical Cup” – Wow! What a great idea for a cup. It’s, it’s – shaped like a cone! So, it’s cool that it fits into this clever cup dispenser on the side of the cooler. But there’s more! It only has half the volume of an ordinary cup! And what else?!? When you get back to your desk and set your water down, it instantly makes all your documents transparent! Best invention ever!!!

Exhibit C – “Styrofoam Cup” – This type is most often encountered when the Coffeenese have thrown their weight around a little too much. Originally intended for those looking for roasted morning brew, the Styrofoam cup often finds itself being used at the water cooler. There’s a problem here, and his name is Texture. Drinking cold water out of a Styrofoam cup is like brushing off a snowy windshield with your sleeve: it gets you to your goal, but you hate every minute of it.

Exhibit D – “Cupped Hands” – Yes, I suppose you could go old school and not use a cup at all. Seems simple. Take left and right hands, combine them, and hold them under the water cooler nozzle. One small problem, Sherlock. Who’s going to hold the lever to make the water start?

You see what I mean? USELESS. That’s where YAB HQ will rise above its competition. Personalized YAB Nalgene bottles for all employees. They don’t break, they don’t spill, and they could crush the competition.

Even cupped hands if you’re not careful.