You, uh, got any gum?

Yes, Mr. Letterman, we most certainly do.

When taking a break from class last night to stretch my legs, I wandered into the student lounge area of GW’s Alexandria building, and I had to laugh. Tucked away in the corner of the lounge sat two vending machines that I had never noticed before. One was stocked with Minute Maid fruit juices, so I didn’t mind so much that I had never seen it before. But the other was a snack machine, and I know there’s been many times that while sitting in the computer lab, I could have really used a FastBreak bar.

During my leave from my top row seat in Classroom 07, I didn’t actually purchase anything from my new discovery, and I pretty much attribute the lack of transaction to two reasons. First, part of my “Alexandria Campus Fee” for the semester goes towards class being catered with acceptable dinner options. If I wanted something to eat, I had the option of walking down to the front of the class (during the lecture, of course) and heaping a few forkfuls of pasta and salad onto a plate. Second, in order to directly prevent me from spending money on vending machines (I didn’t know about these two, but I do know of the Coke machine in the hall), I leave my wallet in the car.

Anyways, on the bottom row is the gum that nobody ever notices is actually there. Well, as I was sopping up every last second before I headed back in to learn more of the ways of six sigma, I noticed. Usual assortment, that’s not the peculiar part. Dentyne, Carefree, Icebreakers, Trident. No amateurs in this row. But it looks like Trident, out their in the 4th post position, has a little something extra awaiting any potential purchaser. The label reads:

Trident – With Xylitol!

Huh?

Here’s the deal with chewing gum. They are really only two differentiating characteristics on which a gum company can base their product composition on. The first is flavor. There’s bubble gum, about 5 mints, and any flavor those wackos at the FruitStripe factory conjured up. If you want to be successful and compete, you better stick to one of these flavors. The second is taste. Once you select a flavor, you must individualize it enough that people crave your brand over your competitors. Finding a niche taste can make your gum sink or swim. Dentyne Spearmint has a clean, refreshing taste. Orbit Bubble Gum tastes like a medicine cabinet.

Compete on these two characteristics and you’re in the hunt for the almighty gum chewer’s dollar. This begs this question, “What the heck is wrong with Trident?” Their differentiation strategy is to inform the customer that there’s a chemical of some sort in their gum that others don’t have? This better mean that this is a chemical so awesome that by including it not only in the chemical make-up but also on the exterior packaging that I have no other choice but to buy it. I’m talking “sticks of gum individually wrapper in dollar bills” awesome.

So I did a little research.

According to Xylitol.com (who knew?), this is what this gum chemical brings to the table. “Noncariogenic - This term implies that the food item involved does not cause dental caries. Therefore, such an agent is not cariogenic and does not cause caries indirectly either. Dietary xylitol clearly meets these requirements.” It’s amazing how science-types can dissect a word to its parts, only to leave you more confused then before. Thanks, guys!.

We continue… “Cariostatic - This term can be interpreted to mean a food or ingredient that causes cariostasis. This evidence comes from the long-term clinical trials carried out in Turku (Finland), Hungary, French Polynesia and Ylivieska (Finland).” Furthermore, not only do I not know what the term means, I apparently am supposed to regard French Polynesia as the leading scientific experts on the subject? That’s like trusting David Arquette to star in Francis Ford Coppola picture.

“Anticariogenic - can be regarded as a therapeutic quality or effect of a food constituent.” Ohhh…Assuming gum qualifies as a food constituent, it appears that Trident with Xylitol is easy on the gums. Gum for your gums. Brilliant! Now why couldn’t they have just put that on the label? Sounds a lot nicer than a chemical which begs the postscript: “Be sure to ask your physician about…”

Maybe I should go back to my class now…